Year in Review

Don't try and pretend you didn't notice where that microphone is aimed.

The year is drawing to a close, although we are only finishing up the first ten months of writing this blog. For some reason out of the blue Push mentioned it might be fun to write a blog back in February or March and we really had no idea what we were going to talk about but decided to go for it anyway, and maybe if we were lucky the five or six people who tend to review our stories would come over and read.

A big part of why we wanted to do it was to sort of bring together the Han and Leia fans in one place so we could talk because it appeared that nobody was doing that anymore, and it's been great to slowly see more and more people showing up here and commenting and participating. We had also hoped to maybe encourage some more writing from some people and help you guys maybe improve the quality of your writing, and hopefully that has been true for at least some of you.

We've had a whole lot of growth from the time we started. These blogspots have traffic counters and in our first month we had just under 1000 views. This month we are probably going to close out at a little under 8000. Our top ten countries with the most readership are the US, UK, Spain Canada, Japan, New Zealand, Mexico, Germany, Australia and Bulgaria. It's not so much that we are getting people from all of those far reaching places to read our blog, I just love the fact that there are so many Han and Leia fans all over the world.

It's just always nice to find out that this weird, silly little hobby you have may not be incredibly common, but you're certainly not the only one who has it. I really enjoy our little community here and the wide ranges of ages to get different perspectives.

What do I hope for 2012? Well, I hope you guys continue to read and comment on the blog. I hope that some of you people out there lurking and reading anonymously might consider jumping in on the conversation. We don't bite. We love hearing from more people and knowing that they are reading and enjoying. I hope that some of you who have written stories but been too afraid to post will build up the courage to put it out there and let us read. I hope that we can make it through another joint story without too much headache and I hope I survive re-reading the entire EU. I hope that we continue to find new awesome pictures of Han and Leia and Harrison and Carrie. And I hope we don't get too boring.

Keep reading, keep writing, keep commenting, and hope you have a happy new year!

The Lesser-Known EU: Breaking the Ice, Union and Chewbacca

Next up I'll include a couple of other random comics that are short little stand-alones. One is called Breaking the Ice and it is a short comic about Han and Leia getting stuck on a very cold Falcon on Hoth while searching for a lost Chewbacca. The heaters are broken and at one point Han goes out in the snow to try and find Chewie and there is a fairly amusing panel where Han basically just passes out on his face because it is so brutally cold, and Leia goes out and has to drag him back in.

Then, as one might expect in a comic with a set-up of this nature, they are then forced to utilize body heat to keep warm. This, of course, is Han's suggestion. Although they don't go all the way to that "we have to be naked or we won't be warm enough" thing, they do at least snuggle up under a blanket. Instead of making any sexual comments, Han just tells her, "I don't like it any more than you do." Then once under the blanket, Leia tells him, "Watch your hands." To which Han replies, "Oh, shut up."

Eventually they fall asleep and Leia awakens to hear Han once again trying to get in touch with Chewie, this time by comm. They then talk a lot about some of the great things Chewie has done for Han and it appears Leia is touched by Han's devotion to his friend and seeing this softer side. Leia even asks him where he got the scar on his chin, and he just says it was a knife fight, but, "You should see the other guy."

Leia gets uncharacteristically nice and gentle here, and she tells him, "You play the pirate, the tough... like you don't care about anyone or anything, but...

"But what?"

"Nothing, Captain. You seem like... like someone a person could actually count on."

As Leia is telling him this, they are gradually moving closer and closer to one another and it is apparent they are about to kiss. But, in classic Han and Leia fashion, it is interrupted. Yes, they are found at this exact moment by a search party and of course Chewie had been found and he's all right, too. It ends with Han working on fixing up the Falcon with Chewie back at the base and Leia goes and asks him if he's going to leave and he has offered to go to Ord Mantell instead. They are very civil to each other here and Leia even tells him he's being generous, so this is a nice little turning point for them, it seems.

It is a very cute little story that can probably be found all by itself somewhere but I have it in a collection of a few Leia-based comics that take place mostly before the movies. Only problem: once again the artwork isn't great. It is definitely better than Dark Empire from a quality standpoint, but they just don't really look like Han and Leia with the exception of a few panels here and there. At least in this case the not-Leia is actually a very pretty version instead of the train wreck from Dark Empire. Also, fun bit of trivia: this comic was done by Judd Winick, AKA Judd from the Real World San Francisco. For you old school Real World watchers, from back when they cast people who sometimes did stuff other than just going clubbing every night and sleeping with strangers, that was the one with Puck.


Next up, another sort of fluffy comic is Union. Now, the unfortunate thing is that this comic is based on the events surrounding Luke and Mara's wedding. I know, right? It's bad enough that in the whole EU it is so often implied that their relationship is so much better than Han and Leia's but now they get a fully illustrated wedding when all Han and Leia got was Luke showing up late. (really? I somehow doubt that Luke would've been late to their wedding) It is honestly the closest thing you will get to a fluffy fanfic in the entirety of the EU. There is very little plot. The "girls" all go to a spa and it includes some illustrations of all of them lounging around wrapped in towels around them and on top of their heads.

The men also spend some time giving Luke marriage advice and Luke says he doesn't want to disappoint her and Han says it's impossible not to disappoint her at some point. (In Han's case, we know his disappointments never happened in the bedroom...) and there's some random stuff that happens to make it more interesting including a bar fight at Luke's bachelor party. In the beginning Leia is helping Mara try on wedding dresses, most of which would be much more suited for Halloween. And then, as expected, they get married.

It is pure fluff, but cute as long as you don't let yourself get too angry at the fact that they got a whole comic, they "speak" to each other through the Force so obviously they know each other better, and there are several sections that are just little intimate moments between them that are illustrated, no less. From an artwork standpoint, I have to say I don't think you'll find better in a Star Wars comic. These people are definitely the ones from the movies. And here is my one favorite part that comes at the very end.

In case you can't read it, Han asks Leia, "Do you remember?" And she replies, "Always and often." Aw.... Now that looks like a very happily married couple. Even if they don't totally resemble the characters from the regular books. I don't see how they can occasionally get it so right in some of the EU and yet other times get it so wrong.

Last in this round, is the Chewbacca comic. It came out not long after Chewie died in the EU, which was not a great time for Star Wars fans! Basically, Threepio and Artoo are going around talking to the important people in Chewbacca's life and recording stories about him. It starts with Malla telling some stories to Threepio and Artoo about her and Chewie on Kashyyyk and some of the things he had done. Then we get to see when Han found Chewie and defied his orders, followed by Han and Chewie on some other little missions as told by Wedge and Lando.

Next comes Leia. And this is Leia in one of the more confusing portrayals of her in the EU. She goes a little nuts and a lot of what she says does not make me happy. Before she lets Threepio start "officially" recording her, she lets out what seems like years of frustration. She talks about how he's done so much for them but... "Sometimes I wished he was gone!" Whoa, right? Then she talks about how hard it is to be a princess and she has to always smile and be strong for everyone. That I get, but at this point she's been married to Han for seventeen years. I kind of feel like they might have addressed this at some point earlier, don't you?

It gets worse, though. "Poor Han. He loves me, I know he does. But he'll never be comfortable with his status, not even with his military rank. He'll always be a rogue. A charming, dear rogue." All right, I have no problem with any of that, makes sense to me. This is what I'm not a fan of:

"I watched him sometimes when he played with our children or when he was with Chewie... He's never been that way with me. That's why sometimes I wanted Chewie to disappear, for Han to be only mine!" Wow, really? I can see that at some point along the line having your husband's best friend around all the time might be draining, but again, I don't see them not addressing this. And I certainly don't see Han treating Leia differently than the rest of his family because of her status or something. In fact, it seems obvious from the onset of their relationship, from the moment they first meet, that he certainly does not treat her like a princess. In fact, I'm sure that is one of the reasons she loves him - because she can just be herself, regular Leia, and doesn't have to be all regal and noble.

Then she talks about how she had always wanted to grow old with Han but now she's losing him and the kids have been off doing their Jedi thing and now she's all alone. It's just so depressing. It makes Leia seem like she feels like an outsider in her own family, and that isn't really something I've gotten from any other books or anything. I can't even get into Han's withdrawing from his family during this time, because that is a rant for later when we get into those books. Anyway, this is a very dark look at the family, I think.

Next Luke tells the story of Chewie's last mission when he died saving Anakin, and finally we get to Han. Threepio finds him, where else, the Falcon, working on some stuff and without even thinking about it asks Chewie to hand him something. Then he decides to tell a story about when he and Chewie were out playing with the kids when they were still pretty young and Jaina wandered off and Chewie was the one who found her. Then Han is holding a picture that Jaina had drawn of Chewie to thank him, and she told him she loved him when she gave it to him. Han says that he should've told him that himself. After all Chewie had done for him and his family, he never told him he loved him. We also get the saddest picture of Han you'll ever see.
It's a very sad but touching moment, and this is something that I felt could've happened. I liked seeing the flashback to Han just being regular dad playing with his kids and the fact that he still had the picture Jaina had drawn probably at least ten years earlier.

The art in this comic is done by different artists depending on which story is being told. Some have more of a caricature feel rather than regular comic book art and each has its own unique style though none are great representations of the characters. The best ones are when Han rescues Chewie the first time and then towards the end when Han is on the Falcon thinking about Chewie. The Leia one looks even less like her than it sounds like her. Is it really that difficult to draw a good comic representation of Leia? Apparently, yes.

So there are a few other options for you. I wouldn't call any of them must-haves, but like most of this stuff, if you're a fan and you have the means, it's a nice addition to the collection.

Somebody's Been Sleeping in MY Bed...And he's got a big Blaster!!

Look what Santa left in my bed!  Han Solo, in his blue jacket with his blaster!

I also got the Darth Vader and Yoda bobble heads pictured in the background.  And some Star Wars boxer underwear to sleep in.  Now I'm snuggled up on the sofa and have my Episode IV Blu-Ray playing.  What a great day!

Merry Christmas, Everyone!!

Tell Us What Santa brought You!

Han Solo: Super Sex Stud

Faster than a well-charged vibrator. More powerful than a wet dream. Able to coax multiple orgasms in a single lick. It's Han Solo! (that was a contribution by Push for this post)

I think it's high time we stopped being so subtle and and took on a certain subject head on: the sexual prowess of Han Solo. As I was writing the Universal Han and Leia Fanfic Truths post, a lot of what came to mind was actually directly sexual in nature. I mean, let's face it, it's pretty rare (though they are out there) where you read a fanfic in which Leia, or either one of them really, is left anything but completely satisfied. I mean, I guess unless you had a specific reason to, why would you want to write or read about sex that was less than spectacular? This is all an escape and a fantasy. Most of us have probably had a few sub-par performances and we don't really need to read about Leia having to go to sleep frustrated after Han had his fun in sixty seconds or less.

However, maybe we have a few legitimate reasons to believe that Han could pass as a sex god. Just for good measure, how about a list?

1. There is no way a man that hot could possibly be anything but amazing in bed. *Please note that this may not directly apply to real life, but I feel it is safe to assume in this case because I'm making the rules.

2. He's had many years of experience. While I'm sure he didn't start out as super-sex-stud, it seems obvious that he's probably been with a lot of women and eventually he was bound to wind up with a few who were not shy about asking for exactly what they wanted, and taught him how to drive women crazy.

3. He's in great shape with a really nice body. Stamina counts in more than one area, here.

4. Speaking of stamina... yeah, that thing we say about Corellians for no reason other than the fact that Han is one. So I guess Wedge benefits, too.

5. His blaster. 'Nuff said.

6. He doesn't need a flashy, expensive, new ship to compensate for other things.

7. The bad boys/scoundrels/pirates are always just better in bed.

8. He loves Leia like crazy and he wants her to want to do it with him a lot for the rest of his life. You gotta make it worth her while and surely he wants to make her feel as good as possible.

9. According to most of our fanfic, Han is quite the giver without often expecting anything in return as the receiver.

10. Being the experienced one, he seems to know how Leia's body works even better than she does.

11. Something about "work-roughened hands" I'm always reading about.

12. Speaking about stuff I'm always reading about, "sparse chest hairs" too. As in, he's not super hairy. Sorry, Chewie, nobody really wants that.

13. Also according to our fanfic, he pretty much never, ever finishes first.

14. In relation to #13, Leia often gets to finish somewhere between two and five times.

15. Practice makes perfect, and we can pretty safely assume he's had lots and lots of practice.

16. He always seems to be able to find that "special spot" on her neck or her collarbone or wherever.

17. No matter what he smells like, whether grease, the Falcon, wet Wookiee, macrofusers, etc, it's always erotically intoxicating.

18. His voice 'rumbles' in a way that makes all females within parsec fall down and spread their legs open.

19. He can probably do a lot of damage with those lips as well.

20. Chemistry. He and Leia definitely have it and it's probably safe to assume that they are as passionate in bed as they are about arguing with one another.

21. The lopsided grin. Under the right circumstances, it has been known on occasion to cause spontaneous orgasms.

22. He never fails to "rise to the occasion."

To be fair, our perfection standards for Han extend far beyond the bedroom, but let's stick with these for now. We also tend to write Leia pretty flawless in the bedroom as well, but again, this is probably just because she had such a good instructor.

Please feel free to add to the list. We all know there are even more reasons.

Lesser-Known EU: Dark Empire I&II and Empire's End

Next up I'll discuss another comic series, Dark Empire. These I think should be almost essential reading along with the usual EU timeline. The things that happen I feel are so integral to the characters that I wish they would actually write a novelization of them. In the most basic sense, Luke basically turns to the dark side and acts like the new Emperor and Leia and Han have to save him. The Emperor wants to come back and Leia is pregnant with Anakin and he wants to use him as a vessel to be reborn. Yuck. Poor Leia.

The first series of comics, which you can easily now aquire as the full collection in one paperback, is Dark Empire. These comics came out in the early 90's, some of the first EU, and one of the first to introduce the use of clones. The Emperor had been using clones basically as a way to live forever, and he entices Luke over to the dark side to become his pawn. It is shocking how easily he is turned, in fact. So of course it is up to Leia, as always the strong one, to bring him back. Leia senses something is wrong with Luke but he forcefully tells her not to follow him. Leia continues to worry and Han continues to assure her that Luke can take care of himself.

Han and Leia go on a mission of their own to Nar Shaddaa, home of the Hutts.... who basically all want them dead. It's actually kind of a fun in-joke for them how romantic it is that both of them are wanted dead by the Hutts for their own personal reasons. While there, they run into some old friends you might remember from The Han Solo trilogy, Shug Ninx and ex-girlfriend Salla Zend. These comics actually came out long before those books, so you didn't know their history until much later. Based on the artwork, Salla is kind of a sassy black lady. Don't worry, there are no old feelings rushing back and no threats to the relationship. She openly teases him a bit, telling Leia that she's sorry she had to marry him because he's a scoundrel and he'll break her heart. Han's response, "She likes scoundrels." That she does.

There is a sort of weird combination of good Han and Leia moments where they banter and tease and work well as a team and other, not-so-good moments where Leia mostly talks down to Han and suddenly starts acting like some wise old sage Jedi. Is there some Jedi law that once you learn you have the Force your entire personality has to change? I'd hope that doesn't have to be the case. When they disagree on certain things Leia just uses the whole Force thing to win arguments and actually tells him at one point, "Han, sometimes the actions of a Jedi don't make sense to an ordinary man." Gee, Leia, condescending much? Of course I don't see Leia talking about the Force like Obi Wan might and I certainly don't see her putting Han down because he doesn't have it or discounting his feelings or opinions. I think she's known him long enough to trust his instincts on some level. Sure, you can disagree, and I'm sure they would. But I don't see her pulling the Jedi card and I definitely don't see Han backing down when she does.

Anyway, what other old friends do we run into? Why, it's Boba Fett! Hiding out in Han's old, abandoned apartment. I swear, this guy is "killed" at least a dozen times throughout the EU, and he just won't die. But like usual, they escape. You'd think the supposed greatest and most feared bounty hunter in the galaxy could take down Han Solo just one of the twenty times he encounters him, but this is not the case.
See? Boba Fett never goes away.

Eventually they do go to find Luke and have a less-than-cordial greeting involving a lot of trying to kill each other. Han is really, really mad. So mad, in fact, that he spouts off a lot of stuff about Luke deserving to die because of what he's done now that he's gone all Emperor. I guess I can see him being mad, and I can certainly see him willing to kill Luke if he's turned evil and wants to hurt Leia, but I'd at least expect him to seem more torn about it instead of so black and white on the issue. Although much later he acts the same way toward his son when he turns to the dark side. But we can pretend that never happened...

Anyway, there is some fighting, there is the Emperor there to make matters worse - or at least the cloned, reborn version of the Emperor. Han is nearly killed by some evil force and Leia gets to use her lightsaber to save him, but unfortunately soon after falls captive to the Emperor, who wants her baby. The one who is stirring in her womb. Jaina and Jacen are off with Winter because of that EU atrocity of sending them away to be raised by someone else. Han is locked up with Chewie, but not before one last interaction with Luke where Luke tells Han to stay out of the way and Han once again tells Luke he deserves to die and he's just like Vader, all while Luke is holding Han up in the air by his throat and strangling him. Did the dark side make Luke taller? Because I don't think that would actually work.

The Emperor tells Leia how he wants to possess her baby, which you can imagine she isn't too happy about. At this point it is not common knowledge that she's pregnant. Of course Leia eventually gets Luke to come around and they destroy the Emperor clone and all escape, but not before some more condescending talk to Han, even though he helped save them all.

The top right is somehow supposed to be Leia. That is probably the worst offender of the versions of her in here, but I thought you should have an idea. Fortunately, much of the time she is mercifully hidden a little under a hat.

In spite of Leia's wise old Jedi talk, I do think it is an enjoyable comic. The artwork I'll admit is not the best. Han is given his own look which, while definitely not Harrison Ford, is at least consistent throughout. Leia, however, is the worst. It's not just inconsistent, but she's just drawn really unattractive for the most part, with some weird, boxy-looking head and a face that only occasionally sort of resembles Carrie Fisher. So I'll tell you right now, that aspect is probably going to be disappointing to you. Although at least there are a few panels early on where Han and Leia are hugging and it's dark and far away, so it doesn't matter that it doesn't really look like them.


Dark Empire II has a whole lot of the same stuff. It picks up immediately afterward, and now Leia is very apparently pregnant. In fact, her whole body seems to expand horizontally even if her stomach doesn't get that big. If you have ever seen pictures of her in the comics version of the Thrawn trilogy as pregnant with twins though somehow miraculously not really looking that pregnant at all, it's amazing how this one baby has caused her to expand so much.

Luke is doing some Jedi stuff and Han and Leia have to go back to Nar Shaddaa (told you, lots of the same stuff) to find Vima-Da-Boda, the ancient old Jedi lady who they had seen in the prior comic and who you also may remember from the Han Solo trilogy. One of Han's friends wonders if Leia wants to go there since she's wanted by the Hutts and Han asks her if she's worried about that. Leia replies, "Who's [Shug Ninx] kidding? Have I stopped to worry about anything in the last ten years? Let's get moving!" Now that sounds like Leia.

Like I said, there's a lot of similar stuff so I'm not going to go into detail here. They run into Boba Fett again, Han needs help from his old smuggler friends again. The big difference is that Luke isn't evil in this and he even gets himself a Jedi girlfriend named Jem who he finds on some planet. Hna and Leia do finally go to visit Jaina and Jacen, and once again the artwork makes you wonder why those two people wouldn't have had cuter kids. They get to share some normal family time.

This all doesn't last that long as some of the Emperor's cronies come to steal the babies (recurring theme) but of course they don't get them, though unfortunately Jem dies helping Leia to save them. But there is happiness in the end, as Anakin Solo is born. Han is super excited and takes his other kids in to see them along with everyone else, where he announces that it is Han Solo, Jr and Leia promptly tells him that no, his name is Anakin and he will be a great Jedi like his grandfather. Ugh, my stomach hurts. So many things wrong with just two bits of dialogue. Not that I need to explain why, but I will anyway.


First, we know she wouldn't name her son Anakin. I mean, maybe she'd learn to come to terms with what happened, but to be so okay with things that you'll name your son after Darth Vader? I don't think so. Second, I don't think they would want to name their kid Han, Jr either, nor would Han just stand up and announce it like that. Third, doesn't this seem like something they would've talked about beforehand and not been giving conflicting reports now? I've never had a kid, but should that happen, I'd like to think that at some point I'd have a conversation with his/her father on what the name is going to be. Fourth, just the way Leia immediately jumps in and shoots down Han's name announcement - not that I don't think it was a bad idea either, but still - just makes her sound like she's talking down to him again, like he shouldn't have any say in what the kid's name is and it's just obvious that they should name him after that horrible man who destroyed her planet and tortured both of them brutally. Lastly, the fact that right away Leia talks about him being a great Jedi. I don't see Leia as the kind of mother who would predetermine what she wants her kids to be or do with their lives. Maybe she should let him make his own decisions?

Okay, sorry for that little rant, it's the last thing that happens in the comic and it just takes what should be a nice little moment and ruins it!

Lastly, we have Empire's End. This comic "series" is exceedingly short: two little issues. I don't think it even comes in a collection, though I haven't looked. I think I got my mint condition copy on ebay for like $5 and you can probably do the same. There is even an Apple Jacks coupon in the back that expired in 1995, think they'll take it? Once again, lots of the same. We have a new artist though, and Leia looks a lot better. It still doesn't often really look like Leia, but it is at least consistent and she looks like a normal woman. Han in this one I'm not such a fan of.
Awww... Leia holding her little baby.

So what is this one about? Well, we have yet another clone of the Emperor - supposedly his last remaining one as he had a stockpile - and he needs a new body to go into. Think of it like the end of Ghostbusters II. This new body has to be Anakin's because for some reason Jaina and Jacen's won't work. At least in this comic Han and Leia keep all of their kids with them. In fact, Leia is rarely seen without an infant Anakin cradled in her arms. Han and Leia have to play badass superhero Mom and Dad and save their kids and of course everyone winds up okay in the end. Except the last clone of the Emperor, which they swear really is the last one. The only reason I believe them this time is because there were no more comics about any more Emperor clones.

Aside from just the comics adaptation of these there is also a radio drama of all three. I'd recommend trying to get your hands on a copy if you can. I just have to warn you now though that it is not something you can get on Amazon. You may have to find some alternative methods, if you know what I mean. Listening to it all is kind of fun once you get used to the voices not being the ones from the movies. Except Lando, who is in fact Lando, and gets really, really into it. And once you get used to it I actually got to enjoy this version of Han and Leia, at least when Leia wasn't talking down to Han. Honestly the only reason I sought it out in the first place was because I had heard that there was a scene in which the conception of Anakin Solo is quite heavily implied, and whoever I had heard that from was right. In the comics there is no indication that anything took place that would've led to Leia getting pregnant. I'm not saying they cross into any R-rated territory, but one minute there is some playful banter, some heavy breathing on Leia's part, and Han mentioning the possibility of trouble with a beautiful princess and a notorious scoundrel, and the next, Leia is exhausted and not feeling well and totally knocked up. These worked quite well for me when I had to do any extended driving and needed something other than music. Fun to have something different and that you probably never knew existed.

Overall, like I said, yes, some of it is repetitive, but this series is fairly enjoyable and you can obtain them fairly inexpensively. Just look around though because I just checked and there are some people selling these for an awful lot of money while others on ebay are selling them for like $3. And once again, after so much recent EU going so dark and everyone being so old, it's nice to see them all back in their prime, and even though they're not drawn very well, it's also kind of cute to see Han and Leia playing with or holding their kids or Jaina and Jacen hugging Han's legs. I'm sure he prefers them to Wicket.

Last Call for Alcohol..I mean, um, Joint Story Ideas...

Geez.  I was under the assumption that with 31 followers we would get at least 31 Joint Story ideas.

Was I wrong?

A little overzealous, perhaps.  Okay, I'll admit that.

But really, folks?  How many times in your life do you get a 'blank check' like this?  We're putting you in the driver's seat.  Put your thinking caps on and churn out those ideas.  All those little stories, that you say, "Man, I wish someone would write a story about this..."

Let us know!

Throw it out there!

There are no limits, no rules, no restrictions!

Okay, well, maybe there's a few restrictions.  Must be Han and Leia centric.  Um, yeah, that's about it. 

And just to refresh all of our memories.  Here's what we have so far (and remember:  You can submit more than one idea!)  Did I say that already?  Anyway...And the nominees are:

1. Han, or even Leia, as an Imperial spy.
2. Leia is the one that gets recognized by imperials or even just a civilian.
3. A story that takes place post-ROTJ but pre marriage and babies. Early challenges in their relationship= awesome. (We probably need something a little more specific here to actually include this one in the poll.)
4. The galaxy finding out about Luke/Leia/Vader? 
5. Something with Han being torn between his military responsibilities and wanting to stay with Leia? (maybe some more specifics here, as well)
6. Some kind of AU about getting Han out of carbonite that takes a different tack than ROTJ?   (How about what tack?  You're in control!  You can name the tack!)
7. Swapping the character's identities around a bit - Han the prince, Leia the space pirate.  
8. The missing scene from Tatooine Ghost
9. Han and Leia find out about the 'bad holodrama' that is COPL...and their reaction. 
10. Han and Leia have been secretly married since ANH. 

Pretty good ideas up there, I'll admit.  But I know there must be more floating around out there, dancing like sugar plums in your heads.  Type them up, post them here and they'll be put to vote!

Thank you.  Thank you, very much.

Why Them?

Have you ever sat around and wondered, why am I so obsesed with these two? Let's get past the fact that, as evidenced by the above picture, they are just so darn adorable (and Harrison is super hot) and consider some other reasons. I find it interesting for me personally that I am so into this onscreen couple, or any onscreen couple because romance and chick flicks are not really my usual forte. That is not to say that they have anything to do with a chick flick, but if I'm looking for a movie to watch, I'm more likely to reach for something with Bruce Willis than Julia Roberts, and that's not because I think Bruce is hot, it's just because Die Hard is awesome. Speaking of which, I need to watch that soon since it's a Christmas movie...

Anyway, the point is, I don't sit around swooning over love stories. I don't read romance novels. I don't give a crap about Edward/Jacob and Bella or soap operas or anything like that. I very rarely take a look at fanfic in any other genre, and even when I do, it takes me about half a page before I decide to stop wasting my time. That's probably a good thing, because I don't really need any other ways to completely waste time. Actually, looking back on things, there have been very few couples I cared about in movies or TV. Maybe Winnie Cooper and Kevin Arnold, but not really. Definitely Zack and Kelly on Saved By the Bell, whose relationship was actually even more mature than Han and Leia as depicted in COPL. Clark Kent and Lois Lane, though mostly from the TV show Lois and clark. And maybe for a very brief time Mulder and Scully. But none of these inspire me to write fanfic or even to bother reading it.

So, why Han and Leia? Maybe it's because there are just so many reasons to love them and so few reasons not to. It's a couple I've seen on screen since I was probably two or three years old. Of course at that point in time I didn't really care about romance or anything like that as I was more interested in robots and space ships and lightsabers, but they've just been a part of my consciousness since I got one.

Each one of them on their own is already awesome. Han kicks ass, doesn't take crap from anyone, speaks his mind, flies a really cool spaceship and has a Wookiee for a best friend. Leia is one of the strongest female characters ever depicted in the history of cinema. I took film history in college so I have even more authority to say that. She's strong, she's a leader, she doesn't back down in the face of adversity, fights for what she believes in and she doesn't need a man in order to feel complete. They're both independent people who certainly weren't looking for love when they found it. That's probably what makes a lot of other couples boring, the movie starts with one or both of them lamenting how horribly lonely they are and they can't find a boy/girlfriend or blah, blah, blah.

With Han and Leia, it was really, really inconvenient to fall in love when they did but they couldn't help it. It's also just a less obvious, mushy sort of romance. I love the subtlety. Han is not going to spout poetry or go off on Leia's incredible beauty, he's probably just going to kiss her. You know you only have to go watch the prequels if you want an example of overdone, bad romance. I think there's a lot of stuff that people say in romantic comedies that at the time the audience might swoon over, but if some guy said that to you in real life you'd either laugh or think he was some crazy stalker.

It also maybe helps that their romance is not the focal point of the movies. They both have more going on in their lives than worrying about falling in love. They're well rounded characters with a lot to offer each other and everyone else. They work incredibly well as a team in the face of adversity.

And let's face it, the actors who played them, along with being so good looking, had amazing chemistry. There are plenty of movies out there where you have the romantic leads, and they're both good actors and their acting is fine but there's just something missing that makes you not believe them as a couple. I mean, whether or not you think there may have been something going on behind the scenes between Carrie and Harrison, when those two are on screen being Han and Leia you can't imagine them having a platonic relationship.

I don't know, they're both just such great characters on their own and such great characters together. They're a more interesting couple because their relationship starts out so volatile and they have such strong personalities and there's something about seeing that they wouldn't just love each other, but respect and admire each other for who they are.

I could go on, I'm sure, but I want to leave room for some ideas from the rest of you. Why do you love these guys so much? Why do you put all of this effort into reading and/or writing about them?

Guest Review: The X-Wing Series

This week we have a guest post from jzhanfan since she has read these books and we have not. She actually had a review ready to go before last week's COPL as it falls before that in the timeline, but I think we all needed to start ranting on COPL ASAP! Enjoy the review!

In case you didn’t get the message from Zyra’s epic rant about COPL, the Han and Leia who appear in that book bear only a passing resemblance to the characters we know and love. In continued support of the theory that COPL is nothing more than a hallucination, I’d like to share with you some tidbits from an overlooked section of the EU, namely, the X-Wing Series. You may have seen these books listed in that handy time line that’s in the front of every last EU book, and you might be wondering why we've skipped right past these seven books (or, you might not care, come to think of it). If you have wondered, you probably assumed that it's because these books don't feature Han or Leia very prominently, and you'd be right.

However, there are a few worthwhile moments for us Han/Leia fans in this series, which is where I come in. As your guest reviewer, I have read all seven of these books and picked out all of the Han and Leia bits for your reading pleasure. And I’ve gotta tell you, the Han and Leia who appear, albeit briefly, in this series, don’t seem like the people who turn up in COPL at all. After I’ve spent any amount of time flipping through COPL and growling in disgust, I usually have to haul down Solo Command or Wedge’s Gamble to wash away the sour taste at the back of my mouth.

As its name would imply, this series is primarily about the X-Wing pilots that make up Rogue and Wraith Squadrons. It’s the first group of EU books not to focus on the original trio of Han, Leia, and Luke. There was actually a flight simulator type video game by the same name, and some of the battles that take place in the books are ones that you could reenact in the game.

It should come as no surprise that this involves a lot of discussions about battle strategy and details about who flew where and shot at whom. Personally, I find this somewhat yawn-inducing, but if this happens to be your thing, then by all means, start with Rogue Squadron and plow right on through all seven books.

Otherwise, allow me to sum up for you the first four books (Rogue Squadron - Wedge's Gamble - The Krytos Trap - The Bacta War; all written by Michael Stackpole) right now: After the battle of Endor and the death of the Emperor, the New Republic’s next big challenge is to take control of the Imperial Capitol (Coruscant) and random Imperial baddies attempt to thwart them.

Wedge Antilles, who appears briefly in all three films as an X-Wing pilot, has taken over Rogue Squadron now that Luke Skywalker has gone off looking for more potential Jedi. Wedge had no back story in the films and not much more was added in the book adaptations. Thus the door is wide open here and Stackpole takes full advantage, building a whole history for Wedge as well as a whole cast of characters who fly with him.

Along with Wedge, these books introduce several more characters who hang out in the EU and whose stories intersect with the Big Trio over time. There's Tycho Celchu, who was an Imperial officer before Alderaan was destroyed, when he deserted and joined up with the Rebels. Tycho was talking to his family back home on Alderaan, via holo-call, right at the very moment when the Death Star arrived (the call, needless to say, cut off rather abruptly). As a former Imperial he is always being suspected of being a spy but in the end he is proven to be squeaky clean. Later on in the EU, he ends up married to Leia's friend Winter.

Winter, conveniently enough, is also from Alderaan and she and Tycho hit it off back in the old Dark Horse comics series, during which she had a whole career as an Intelligence agent for the Rebellion. Later on, of course, Tim Zahn demoted poor Winter to the status of perpetual babysitter to the Solo children. In this series, though, she’s still a super smart spy chick, also the best slicer (aka hacker) that the New Republic has, and during the climactic battle to take Coruscant, Winter and another Intelligence agent, Iella, are pretty much responsible for the New Republic’s victory. (Yeah, girl power!)

Another popular and recurring EU character whom we first meet in this series is Corran Horn, a former security officer from Corellia (CorSec), Corran’s dad, Hal Horn, spent years in CorSec chasing down notorious smuggler Booster Terrik, so naturally Corran falls in love with Booster’s daughter Mirax. Corran is Stackpole's “pet” (the way Mara Jade is Tim Zahn's) and as a result, the Corran/Mirax relationship gets way more romantic moments than Han and Leia ever do, which annoys me to no end. I’ve never figured out why everyone keeps insisting on inventing brand new characters and then pairing them up, when there’s a perfectly good couple right in front of them. Anti-Han-and-Leia bias rears its ugly head again.

Speaking of our favorite couple, they don’t get much stage time at all in Stackpole’s four books. We encounter Princess Leia early on, handing out medals, and then later when during a couple of Council Sessions where the Council and the military leaders argue about what strategy to take. There’s one nice little bit where Wedge sits in on one of the Council sessions and pops in to visit with Leia during a break.

This is the only time we hear anything from Leia besides speeches, and the casualness of the scene illustrates that Wedge is on a first name basis with the Leia and is also friendly with both Luke and Han. Wedge asks after Luke and how the Jedi search is going. Leia then asks him if he’s got anyone special in his life these days. He says he doesn’t and she seems kind of sad for him, like she’s about to start fixing him up on blind dates or something. He tells her not to worry about him and asks her about her love life in return.

[Wedge] "Now, what about you and Han?"

[Leia] “We're happy, when we get to see each other. It's kind of rough on a woman to finally admit you love someone and then have him frozen in carbonite for the better part of a year. Then again, during that time he didn't find little ways to irritate me.”

“That's his nature, though - he's chaos incarnate." Wedge smiled. "Han Solo, you have to love him..."

"...or freeze him in carbonite, I know." Leia stared wistfully off into the distance. “He's a good man. Even with his quirks and rough edges, I don't think I can find better in this galaxy. And I'm not really interested in looking, either. But there are times when I wonder, 'why him?'"

“If you ever have doubts, serious doubts, come see me. I can give you a dozen reasons to answer that question.” Not the least of which [he thinks] is that it takes a guy as fast and sharp as Han Solo to keep up with you, Leia.

(from Wedge’s Gamble)

It’s clear that Leia and Wedge are comfortable with each other from this conversation, and it seems in character to me for Leia to say this. I mean, it’s no big secret that Han can be a real pain in the rear some times. He and Leia are both strong personalities and we know they argue a lot, but this shows her making light of it, not acting like she hates him. Also I like that Wedge is quick to defend Han, and that he obviously thinks they’re right for each other. (Something we don’t see much of in the book-that-must-never-be-named) Too bad Leia didn’t remember this conversation and go chat with Wedge before she decided to marry Fabio and ditch Han.

Wedge is not only in favor of their relationship; he’s a bit jealous, as we see in this brief internal dialogue he has with himself in The Krytos Trap, mulling over his own love life, or lack thereof.

“He'd really given little thought to romance and relationships. He'd certainly found companionship with a number of Rebel women”

[Wedge, you horn dog, you!]

“…but he’d not found a single companion, a partner, the way Han Solo or Tycho Celchu had.

"Avoiding relationships meant the chances of getting hurt when the unspeakable happened were much less. He'd seen Leia over the time Han Solo had been encased in carbonite. She'd been driven almost to the point of recklessness in her attempts to free her beloved... While he envied Han Solo the passion with which he was loved, he dreaded the idea of being plagued by the pain Leia had known."

Wedge’s take on Leia’s mindset while Han is in carbonite seems in character for her, too, and in agreement with how she acts in Shadows of Empire. I think those who were close to her at the time had to know how much she cared for Han and how much she was hurting. I’m guessing that being around her at that time in her life is how Wedge got to be such a good friend. And I like the idea that she has friends to rely on, as opposed the frequent EU depiction of her being the ice princess, aloof and stoic about everything.

OK, that’s about it for Leia in the first four books, and Han doesn't actually appear at all, except when various characters refer to him off stage. Sometimes they are scornful of his past as a smuggler, and distrust him because of it. Other times there's a legendary quality about it – the younger pilots see him as this larger-than-life hero, or buy into the whole scoundrel-made-good image.

For example, in Rouge Squadron we have this conversation between former Imperial Tycho Celchu and former CorSec agent Corran Horn. Corran doesn’t think much of Han and dismisses the idea that Solo could inspire loyalty, or understand anything about honor, since he’s just a criminal. Tycho tries to explain to Corran that’s he's wrong about Solo – and maybe that Han knows more about doing what’s right than Corran is giving him credit for.

[Tycho] “I think there was a time that Solo, who had bound his conception of honor to his service to the Empire, forgot that honor could exist outside Imperial Service. This seems to be a misconception that has been corrected."

[Corran] "And correcting it won him fame, glory, and Princess Organa."

"True, but what's important is that he knows honor exists inside you and can only radiate out. What goes on outside can't change it or kill it unless you abandon your honor”

I like this little speech of Tycho’s because a) it’s great to see someone standing up for Han and b) it’s a great explanation for how Han's thinking has changed over the years. It’s silly, I know, but I figured Tycho had to be a good guy from this point on, because he ‘got’ Han Solo, and I just knew he couldn’t turn out to be a spy after that!

So that pretty well fills you in on the high points of the first four books of this series and at this point I’d rate it somewhere around a 1 on the Han/Leia factor scale, because when Han and Leia do appear, it’s ok, there’s nothing really out of character about it - there just isn’t very much of it.

The series is about to improve, though, as a new author takes over.

In the last three books of this series, written by Aaron Allston - Wraith Squadron, Iron Fist, and Solo Command – the story goes in a new direction. We learn how a bunch of the former Imperials have gone off on their own and turned into "warlords" and aren't taking orders from anyone at all. They’re all fighting to grab as much of the pie as they can while there’s still something left of the Old Empire. The biggest and most obnoxious of these is a character named Zsinj, who we see again in COPL. He seems to have a major Napoleon complex going on. At first he's just part of the crowd, but eventually he turns into the major baddie and the New Republic cooks up a task force to take him out, which is led by none other than our favorite General, Han Solo. Wedge forms a new covert X-Wing group, Wraith Squadron, to work with Han's task force and take out the bad guy. Since he’s in charge, Han is more of a major character in these three books, and we get several fun little peeks inside his head.

Han's transformation from smuggler into respected leader really takes place over the course of the X-Wing saga, and mostly over these last three books, as he becomes a real player in the strategic and military part of the war, and comes to terms with his own role as general.

Being an officer clearly isn’t Han’s idea of fun, but he’s actually better at it than anyone seems to have expected.

Solo no longer looked uncomfortable. He looked serious and intent and finally seemed the officer his uniform said he was.

(from Iron Fist)

"You know, in spite of the way you seem to hate it, you're pretty good at this management stuff."

Solo lost his smile. "Don't ever, ever say that. Someone important might hear you. And then I’d be stuck with it."

(from Solo Command)

Wedge remains a main character, but now Han enters the story and Wedge takes on the “buddy” role. In the beginning of the Star Wars story, Luke was the kid and Han the big brother figure, and then they sort of became equals for a while, but now Luke's morphing into this Jedi Master thing. Jedi Masters don't go out drinking and playing cards. Han bonds with Wedge in a way he doesn't with Luke because to a degree, Wedge – as Commander of the squadron – is in the same situation as Han is. Neither of them is ‘one of the guys’ any more. Like Han, Wedge is a reluctant leader. He leads because he wants to keep his pilots alive. He fights being promoted to general for a long time because he doesn't want to give up flying. Han hates not being out there himself, in the Falcon, and if he had his wish, he’d be the one blasting the bad guys instead of the one issuing the orders. This is all very much in character for Han, I think.

Han is also very comfortable mentioning Leia to Wedge in casual conversation, which furthers the impression that Wedge is sort of a confidante for both of them.

[Han] "I should never listen to you."

[Wedge] "No, you shouldn't"

"Even Leia finally realized that you're a liar."

"Well, she's right."

"She always is. But if you ever tell her I said that -”

"I'll be vaped for sure. I know."

(from Wraith Squadron)

There are several fun moments between Han and Wedge, as Wedge is obviously very glad to be the one out there flying and loves to rub it in.

[Wedge] approached Solo and threw a precise salute. "Commander Wedge Antilles and Wraith Squadron reporting for duty, sir."

Solo's return salute was far less military. "Welcome aboard Mon Remonda. Let's get the rest of your pilots in so I can get out of this torture suit."

Wedge affected surprise. "But, sir. I was just going to say how smart you looked in your uniform. I think we ought to stay here, in uniform, a couple of hours so the holographers can capture the image. You know, for the historians."

Solo's grin didn't waver but his expression was suddenly somehow different. Something like an animal backed into a corner. Han kept his tone cheery. "Wedge, I think I'm going to have you killed"

"Yes sir. I trust you'll wear your dress uniform for an event like that."

Han slumped in mock surrender. "You know, with my history, I'd be the laughingstock of the New Republic if I ever brought one of my officers up on charges of insubordination."

"Yes sir. I was sort of counting on that."

Later, in the same scene, we have this exchange:

[Han] "Rogue, Nova and Polearm have been doing all the work while you Wraiths have been playing pirate"

[Wedge] "Is that irritation or envy in your voice?"

"Envy. Want to trade?"

“NO."

"You could boss this whole anti-Zsinj task force. I could arrange for a generalship for you."

"No."

Solo sighed tolerantly.

[both from Iron Fist]

If you are interested in just a taste of this series, I’d suggest Solo Command, which takes place right before COPL begins, and has more of Han than any of the rest.

There is one really cute scene in this book where the pilots are chatting in their lounge "no decor" – meaning, informally, no pulling ranks - and a chair turns around and there's Solo, "not wearing the uncomfortable-looking uniform that was apparently his bane but wearing the comfortable trousers, shirt, and vest that were his preferred dress. His expression was amused." I can so see Han hanging out undercover in the pilot's lounge to hear what the guys are saying…and because he misses being ‘one of the guys’.

Another scene between Han and Wedge later in Solo Command illustrates this point even more:

[Han] "I would have thought you’d be at… [the] party”

[Wedge] “I didn't stay too long. It tends to make the children nervous."

Solo managed a faint smile. "I know what you mean. I used to be one of the guys. Now I walk into a room and all conversation stops. I didn't imagine, when I took this job, that I'd become some other thing. An outsider."

“Sometimes that's what an officer is. Someone who's 'one of the guys' can't maintain discipline.”

“I suppose."

The other reason to read Solo Command is because it includes this most poignant moment, aboard a YT-1300 that the Rogues have scrounged from a scrapyard to fool Zsinj into thinking Han has left the fleet temporarily and lure him into the open. The pilots have dubbed it the Millennium Falsehood. Wedge finds Han sitting in the cockpit while Chewie is cursing at the ship:

"He hates this wreck almost as much as I do.”

“Why do you hate it more?”

“Because… it's just enough like the Falcon to make me homesick."

"For the Falcon, or for Leia?"

Solo rubbed his face, easing away some of the lines of tiredness. "Yeah… The Falcon is the thing I value most, not the person I value most, but the thing. I think I left her with Leia so Leia would know.”

“That you trusted her with what you valued most?”

“Something like that. And I wanted her to remember me”

“As if she'd forget.”

“Sometimes I think she should.” Solo was silent a long moment and when he spoke again his voice was quieter. “I don't deserve her. And someday she'll realize that. When she's away from me I think, maybe today's the day, maybe today she'll figure it out and get on with her life.”

“That's ridiculous.”

“No, it's not. She’s the one with the goal, the plan for her life… without her I don't have a place. I'm just a drifter with an irresistible dose of roguish charm. And someday she'll get tired of the charm and there won't be anything else for me to offer her.”

“You know,” Wedge said, “I can't do it myself, because you're my superior officer, but I could call Chewie down here and tell him what you've just said and then he'd beat you nearly to death with a hydro-spanner. Maybe then you'd figure out how wrong you are.”

Solo managed a smile. “I think maybe that's why I volunteered for this Zsinj assignment... just to show Leia, ‘here I am, see, I can function in your world.’ But after months of it, I just get tireder and crazier. I find myself wishing I could leave Zsinj be, and Leia could come home right now... so things could go back to the way they were. And if she knew that she'd be ashamed of me. "

“…I have a three stage plan to let you get back to the way things used to be.”

“How?”

“Stage one.” Wedge opened a comm channel on the copilot's control board. “YT-1300 to the bridge. This is Commander Antilles. Please cut all lights in Bay Gamma One." A few moments later, the light around the mag-con field faded.

Now they sat in near-perfect darkness, illuminated only by the stars outside the field... a perfect space vista. Solo fell silent just staring at the view for a long moment. “That's nice,” he said “I think you’re right. I could use more of that.”

[Stage two is a “mutiny of anonymity” where everyone hangs out “in blissful irresponsibility” and ignores rank and insignia.]

The mutiny endured from early evening to late evening of the next calendar date, with a pair of sabacc games the last to break up... Solo and Wedge were among those who abandoned the last surviving card game. Solo rubbed tired eyes and said “Not bad, man-who-looks-like-Wedge, what's stage three?"

“In stage three, we track down Zsinj and blow him up. “

“Good plan. I like it.”

It’s kind of sad because Han’s losing heart and wallowing a bit, but I like that Wedge tries to set him straight about what matters. After this conversation, can you really see Han giving up and walking away from Leia like he does in COPL? Me either.

And there’s one more reason to read Solo Command - the scene where Han famously puts Chewie on the comm when Zsinj calls to offer him a chance to surrender (Han starts off by suggesting “Ignore it, I bet he hates that.”). This leads up to this priceless moment at the end:

[Zsinj] “You realize you have cost me very dearly.”

Han summoned up… a mocking smile. “I don’t have much to offer you in compensation. Maybe I could let you kiss my Wookiee.”

Chewbacca grumbled, a noise of dissent.

[Zsinj] spoke again – words Solo did not know… the rant went on for nearly a minute, and Solo was glad they routinely recorded bridge communications – he wanted one of the 3PO units to translate this multilingual composition of profanity for him...

Solo… looked up at Chewbacca… “No, I never really would have asked you to kiss him.”

I rate Allston’s trilogy, particularly Solo Command, a 3 on the Han/Leia scale, because it’s very focused on Han. Also because although he’s depressed a lot, the Han we see here is way more in character than the guy we see elsewhere in the EU; for example, one book later.

It’s actually too bad they didn’t let Aaron Allston write one more book in this cycle and finish off his Zsinj storyline and reunite our favorite couple in some reasonable way instead of letting Dave Wolverton loose with Force witches and Fabio and all that. I bet Wedge could have set them both straight on the whole “she doesn’t deserve me”/”he’s really annoying a lot of the time” thing and we would have been spared things like 3PO singing “What a man, Solo!”

Just sayin’.

Thanks so much to jzhanfan for the guest review. And to anyone else, she simply contacted us and mentioned she might like to write a review, so if any of the rest of you are interested in something like that, whether it be a book review or a regular post or another answer to the challenge (or any future challenges) please don't hesitate to contact us!

Also, as one last reminder, please keep in mind that there will be no book review this coming week as it is Christmas. I know, what better present than thinking about Tatooine Ghost? But I think we could all use a little reader breather before we delve back in and surely have better things to do next Sunday than read a review. And if you don't, just use this as an opportunity to get ahead in your reading!

Dear Santa...

Okay, so Zyra has been giving me a hard time lately about this Lego Death Star pictured above.  If you haven't seen or heard of it yet, it is $400 worth of StarWars Lego heaven.  I mean, this thing is incredible!  So, Z thinks I (or Santa) should get this thing for my boys.  I mean, no doubt - it's freakin' awesome.  But $400?!?!  For Lego's????  When I was young you got a bag of mixed blocks and built dinky houses and cars with square wheels! 

Seriously? 

Has the imagination portion of our children's brains been removed? 

Do they really need these 10K peice kits that build these perfect replicas?

The answer to these questions is apparently (as in the words of Phineas and Ferb), "Yes, yes they do."

Okay, so I know Zyra's going to point this out so I'll admit it straight up.  My kids already have a few of these Lego marvels in my house.  Alright, so many that I'm running out of places to house these delicate monstrosities.  Let's not even talk about how if you even look at some of these things crooked they start to fall apart. 

So, I had been holding pretty firm on NOT spending MY money on these things.  I mean, I can't help what other people buy them or what they spend their birthday money on, right?  Even though I had been salivating over that $120 Lego Millennium Falcon just praying that Grandma or Grandpa would step up and get it for one of them, I had been holding strong.  That's right.  No way.  There were a lot better things I could spend over one hundred dollars on. 

Well, my youngest son got a bunch of money for his birthday just a few weeks ago and, dun, dun, dun...bought the Lego Millennium Falcon for himself.  Yep, I stood in that toy aisle at Target and feigned disinterest.  Said things like, "If that's what you want to spend all of your money on..."  While inside I was thinking "Yes, yes!  Of course you want to spend your money on that!  Who wouldn't?"  And of course, I helped him put that baby together when we got home.  From the little holochess table to the sensor dish on top.  It was pretty freakin' cool.

Here's a pic of the Falcon in Lego's:

Oh, the memories.  Well, as of now, it's still put together.  Ask me again in a few months.  It'll probably be a $15 heap of spare parts by then....

So, all of this got me to thinking. 

I know we've talked about these Lego things, at least through some comments around here and I started wondering how many of you guys had these kits.  Other than the Falcon, my kids have an X-Wing and they have Slave I (Fett's ship) which included a little carboinite Han Solo. 

But, alas, nothing we have could equal this Death Star as far as number of pieces and sheer cost.  And really, I do think it's more than a little ridiculous.  But that doesn't stop me from wanting one.  Especially after Zyra pointed out how many cool characters the Death Star comes with...such as pictured in this photo:

Just look at cute little Han in his Stormtrooper armor.  AND you get Han in his regular clothes.  Two Han's!  And is that like 3 Lukes?  What's up with that?  Is that the Luke that goes on the second Death Star?  IDK.

Anyway.  Is anybody else holding out for Santa to bring them this Death Star?  Or perhaps the Falcon?  Maybe some of you are still waiting for your Blu-Rays?  So what is it?  What do you have, if anything, that is Star Wars related on your wish list? 
 

 

A Few Blog Updates

I'd like to first say thank you to those of you who come out and comment. When Push and I started this blog, it was not just so that we could talk to nobody or just to ourselves, because we do that over e-mail. It was an effort to bring together the die-hard Han and Leia community and make it just that: a community. A place for us to talk about our favorite characters with people who are interested in the same thing. It makes it far, far more worthwhile if the posts create some sort of conversation rather than just being there without comment, so it's great to have a vocal group out there. And I love that we have a good combination of people who have been fans since they saw them in theaters to people who saw them for the first time on, gasp, DVD. It's great to have these different perspectives.

Anyway, enough gushing about you people. Just a few notes on the blog. First, the EU book club. I was thrilled to see the excessive ranting on COPL, not that it was unexpected. Feel free to continue to bash. The book club is taking a very, very brief hiatus. Please don't panic! With Christmas coming up we decided that it made sense to take a couple of weeks off. So there will be no book review on Christmas day. Those of you celebrating should have better things to do and those of you who aren't, well, use it as an opportunity to get ahead of the game.

Also, this week's review will not be Tatooine Ghost. Yes, it is next chronologically. But julz has volunteered to give us a guest review of the X-Wing series, which actually comes between Mindor and COPL chronologically, so that will be what we are putting up this week. It is a seven book series focusing mainly on Rogue Squadron, but Han has a fairly prominent part in the latter books and Leia makes a brief appearance or two. I have not actually read this series, but it is part of the timeline and some of you may be interested. So get reading, because you only have until Sunday to read seven books :) And along these lines, if anyone has any ideas for a post they want to add here, please don't hesitate to ask one of us. We'd love to have more outside contributions.

Lastly, we are still looking for joint story ideas! Please, submit away and there is no limit to the amount of suggestions one person is allowed to make. We would love to have a good amount of ideas to put out there for you to vote on. No idea is too silly or weird or convoluted. This is your chance!

Keep the comments coming and thanks to all of you once again for reading and participating!

The Courtship of Princess Leia: The Review

Here it is, the one you've been waiting for! Prepare for a rant of epic proportions. I am willing to bet that any Han and Leia fan, upon their discovery of the EU in general, was incredibly excited to learn that there was a whole book devoted to how Han and Leia finally got married. And then you read it. And then you wondered who the hell those people in the book were, because it certainly wasn't Han and Leia.

That up there would be the artwork on the hardcover. There was a new cover for the paperback because apparently sales weren't quite doing as well as expected, and they feared because maybe people were mislead by the cover, thinking it was a romance novel and had no action. That would certainly be a misconception because there isn't really the slightest hint of romance in it. Gods forbid you maybe put some romance in a book that is supposedly about two people in love and getting married.

This book sort of holds a bit of nostalgia for me because it was the first EU book I ever read. This was actually just coincidence and not because I went seeking out the Han and Leia book specifically. It was summer vacation and I remember being at some store with my mom, perusing a random rack of books and suddenly seeing this:

That'd be that paperback cover meant to show that there was more action. Or that this story takes place during ROTJ. One of the two. I knew some books existed thanks to an equally Star Wars obsessed cousin, but I hadn't read one. I had some time on my hands and decided to give it a shot, especially if the book was going to be about Han and Leia. My mom bought it for me along with the soon-to-be-reviewed-here Assault at Selonia, since it was the only other Star Wars book on the rack. I gave that one to my brother to start, only for him to wind up disappointed because it was the second book in a trilogy in which we did not own the first. Oh, well. We got that sorted out eventually.

This was one of the first books I ever read just to read a book. I avoided reading assignments in school, although somehow I was still pretty good at acing the tests. I really have no idea how I did that. The internet existed and we even had it but it wasn't such an integral part of my life and it was a few more years before I even knew fanfic existed, so this was as good as it was going to get. So I didn't know right away that I was supposed to hate it. Not that I really thought it was any good, but I was a teenager at the time, so I was only familiar with teenage "romances" and therefore didn't quite grasp the severity of how absurd this whole book is. That, and again, this was my first exposure to Star Wars outside of the movies aside from maybe a ROTJ pop-up book when I was a kid, so if table scraps is all you are getting, you at least have to appreciate them somewhat.

This was probably my third reading of this book, to be honest. Although it has been a lot of years since I read any more than the one, fleeting moment that is actually almost kind of nice between them. I'll admit I don't hate this book. I think it's stupid and the characterizations are awful but it still just holds a bit of nostalgia for me, so I can't bring myself to hate it. I actually didn't even really mind reading it again, even if it did make me furious at times. But let's get into some specifics.

The book begins with Han coming back from a five-month mission helping Rogue Squadron fight Warlord Zsinj, who is a bad-ass dude commanding a pretty nasty Imperial remnant fleet. Han is exhausted and wants nothing more than to be back home with Leia in his arms. He thinks about how much he missed her and can't wait to see her. Unfortunately, the moment he arrives, he doesn't get to talk to her before the Hapans arrive, offering lots and lots of money, their joining of the New Republic, the help of their starfleet to fight off the Imperial remnants, and their Prince Isolder, who wants Leia to marry him.

Isolder shows up initially wearing a veil (wow, really?) and an outfit that as described sounds kind of like something He-Man would've worn, as long as it shows off his bulging, incredibly muscular chest. He has long, flowing blond hair and essentially it would seem that the author of these books took a brief walk down the romance novel aisle, saw all of those covers with Fabio on them and assumed that was the look that women found most attractive.

Leia is taken off guard, as you can imagine, and poor Han is sitting next to Mon Mothma, who tells him that she hopes Leia accepts the offer, securing her place in our fanfic as the evil villain. Han doesn't wait long before he simply leaves the place. But not before even he seems a little gay for Isolder because he is just so good-looking. Leia is so taken by the prince that she gets annoyed when he puts the veil back over his face so she can't look at him anymore. Are you throwing up yet? I hope not, because it gets so much worse.

Leia asks for thirty days to consider the offer, which Isolder easily agrees to. So far that doesn't so much annoy me. I don't ever see Leia seriously considering this marriage, but she's smart enough not to just say no outright, no matter how much we just want her to say she's in love with and wants to marry someone else. It's even fine if she notices that another guy is hot. I mean, hopefully someday I'll meet my own hot dude and maybe we'll even get married but I sincerely doubt that will make me stop drooling over Harrison Ford. Doesn't mean I'd leave a committed relationship for him or anyone else just because they're physically attractive.

Anyway, Leia goes off and finally finds Han on the Falcon doing some work to take his mind of off the awful situation he just walked back into. He and Leia actually share some civil conversation for a bit, although none of it has anything to do with having missed each other for the past five months, nor do they even kiss each other hello. They talk about the mess of the situation, and it is only when Han starts telling Leia he doesn't trust the Hapans that she gets all angry and defensive - because you know, she's known them for all of five minutes now - and throws back in Han's face the fact that she and Isolder will be having a private dinner that night and Han can just stay and gnaw on his petty jealous fantasies. Han does at least decide to go to the dinner, but this is only the beginning of a horrible string of conversations between them.

Not long after Leia leaves, Threkin Horm, a New Republic big wig who is bad news in almost all of these books for various reasons, comes by with Isolder and shows him Han's ship. Isolder learns that Han saved her life and thanks him, and then I did at least enjoy this exchange:

"Oh, I guess you could say I'm more than her savior," Han answered. "We're lovers, to be precise."

"General Solo!" Threkin sputtered, but Prince Isolder raised a hand.

"That is all right," Isolder said. "She is a lovely woman. I can understand why you would be attracted to her. I hope my appearance here hasn't been too . . . unsettling."

"Annoying is the word," Han answered. "I mean, it's not as if I wished you were dead or anything. Neutered perhaps, not dead."

Well, at least Han is acting a bit more like I'd expect him to act here. Isolder offers Han a really nice, fast ship as long as he promises to take it far, far away and never come back for Leia. Han of course refuses, and Isolder gives Han the standard line of how she deserves someone better and he has nothing to offer her. Han insists that the fact that they love each other is enough.

They all go to dinner that night which is actually mostly civil. Han had asked why of all of the princesses in the galaxy, Isolder chose Leia. He spouts off some crap about how he saw her from afar and was so taken by her beauty that he knew he had to marry her and then he kissed her hand and Leia blushed. At this point Han has another moment of being a little gay for Isolder and wonders how Leia could resist a man that looks like that. Um, really? Where did Han suddenly get the idea that Leia was so shallow? He remembers what she was like, right? Did she seem that shallow the last time you saw her? If she was that shallow, would you even want to be with her?

After dinner Han kissed Leia goodnight "quickly" and then Isolder kissed her and lingered a bit. Once Leia is gone, Han tells Isolder that he's going to fight for her, and Isolder says he knows, but he intends to win her. Leia goes to bed that night and first spends some time thinking about how nice and courteous and gentlemanly Isolder is before she gets up to do some diplomatic stuff since she can't sleep. Then she calls Luke. You think Luke might be the voice of reason here, right? Maybe we shouldn't expect too much of him since he doesn't have much relationship experience. He senses that Leia doesn't want to hurt Han or Isolder, okay, fine. He also senses that Leia feels a "tenderness" toward him and something that could turn into love. Really? After one stupid dinner? Then Luke says this:

"...take things slowly. Find out how you feel. You don't have to decide between the two in a day. Forget about Isolder's wealth. You wouldn't be marrying his planets, you would be marrying him. Just give him the same consideration you would give to any other man, okay?"

Wow, if I were Han I would totally take Luke's best friend card away. The same consideration as any other man? So apparently Luke also has severe short-term memory. Remember Han? Remember all the things you guys went through and how he saved everyone's lives more than once and you used to love him? No, apparently you don't.

The next morning Han comes back to apologize and gives Leia a plant. Leia at least accepts the apology and he kisses her. They enjoy the absolute slightest hint of their old, witty banter:

"After dinner last night, I went to my room and gnawed on my own petty jealous fantasies for a while."

"How did they taste?" Leia asked.

"Oh, you know. I ended up going to one of the ship's galleys in the middle of the night, looking for something tastier to eat." Leia laughed, and Han stroked her cheek. "There's that smile. I love you, you know."

"I know."

Of course then the whole thing turns into a fight when Han expresses some anger at the whole situation. And for some reason this annoys Leia. Okay, let's think about this. If another guy comes and tries to take the woman he loves away from him, is he supposed to just sit back and not worry about it? I don't understand why she's mad at him for actually caring that someone might take her away from him. If he didn't care, then he wouldn't love her. Han tells her that Isolder offered him a ship to fly away and she tells him that maybe he should've accepted the offer while he could still get something out of the deal.

Seriously, Leia in this is so awful you actually start to kind of hope that Han just tells her off and leaves, because obviously she doesn't care about his feelings on the matter here in the slightest. Not once in this entire book to Han and Leia share anything even resembling an adult conversation on their situation. The set-up of this book is not the problem, it's the execution. I've read more than one story that takes the exact same premise but shows us how they should have acted. Push's story Why Not Now? being one of them. And aside from being just overall much better stories, at least they actually talk about things.

At least at the end of this conversation Leia kind of, sort of says something almost nice to Han:

"Look, I don't know why people would even begin to think that I'd marry the prince. I certainly haven't given anyone that impression. So don't listen to them. Listen to me. I love you for what you are, remember? A rebel, a scoundrel, a braggart. That won't ever change. But I think I need some time to myself for a few days. All right?"

So you do love him then, right? Are you sure? I've got some evidence coming up that would suggest the opposite. Han winds up storming off and then thinks that maybe all of his concerns are simply out of jealousy. Um, so what? Doesn't he have a right to be jealous here? Again, doesn't it just show he cares? It doesn't seem that out of line to be jealous when some dude comes out of nowhere and wants to marry your girlfriend.

Han thinks again about how he can't offer her anything where Isolder has all of Hapes, so what does he do? He goes gambling! Beause again, that princess you knew in the movies suddenly is a gold-digger and out to choose a husband strictly on his bank account. After an unreal string of wins, Han wins himself a planet called Dathomir. Han is so excited and goes to show it to Leia, who at first thinks it's beautiful. But then they realize that the planet is right in the middle of Zsinj's territory, meaning they could go there, but they'd probably be blasted out of the sky. Then Leia acts all condescending:

Leia smiled regretfully, rubbed Han's hair as if he were a kid. "Oh, you sweet, shaggy nerf-herder. I knew it was too good to be true. Still, it was kind of you to offer. You know, you really are so kind to me!" She gave him a quick peck on the cheek.

You really are so kind to me? She's talking to him like he's this poor, dumb lout who pines for her but will never be able to have her. Like the huge nerd in the high school movies who loves the pretty girl and helps her with everything but obviously in the end she winds up with the football player or whoever is actually hot enough for her. Han had imagined she'd love the planet and be incredibly happy and then he'd ask her to marry him, but now he just left dejectedly.

Leia, meanwhile, heads off to spend some time with Prince Fabio... er, Isolder. She starts to get tingly when he touches her and thinks about how much of a gentleman he is when he offers to accompany her on a mission that may be unsafe, asking her permission. She thinks about how Han would've simply insisted, which now apparently is a bad thing that he might actually want to try and protect her and keep her safe. But no, Isolder asking is "charming." Threkin is with them and Leia starts thinking about how she wishes he would leave them alone, presumably so she can jump Isolder in a very unladylike manner. No time for that though, as suddenly they are under fire, but of course they survive, or the book would be really short.

Leia thanks Isolder for saving her, and he hugs her protectively first, then he pulls her in for a passionate kiss and presses his whole body against her. At least for a moment Leia thinks about how she feels like she's betraying Han. Kind of amazing that she even remembers him at this point. Okay, remember how last week I showed you one of my all-time favorite passages ever written in an EU book? Well, this, right here, has got to be the absolute worst thing I have ever had to read in one of these books. Prepare yourselves:

Leia found herself crying, had never really imagined that she would let something like this happen. But at that moment, whatever attachment she had ever felt for Han suddenly seemed to become as insubstantial as fog, as a gentle white mist, and Isolder was the sun, burning it all away.

Wow. Just, wow. Whoever this Leia is, I think Han should run far, far away and find someone who might actually remember how she feels about him and all of the things they had been through. Am I wrong to think that Han and Leia maybe, just maybe, were attached enough that a couple of dinners and a kiss are shouldn't make her completely forget about him? Was her leaving the Rebellion to save him from carbonite just an act? Was it not just one book ago that he was the light that pulled her back from the darkness and all she'd ever need? Do you see how ridiculous this all sounds?

She then agrees to go to Hapes with Isolder, presumably to fall in love with him and get married and have his babies. I mean, she had said that she wanted to wait thirty days to make a decision, but at the rate things are going, she'll be underneath him by tonight. Sorry, did I just say that?


The problems delve into other, interesting areas, though. So Han is understandably dejected. Makes sense, right? Now, I'd expect him to either get so pissed off for How Leia is treating him that he just flat out leaves, goes and beats the crap out of Isolder, or maybe, just maybe actually tries to tell Leia exactly how he feels and exactly what he's doing to her. But, wait, what does he do? He goes to Threepio for help! Yes, that droid that just annoys him incessantly apparently is the key to his winning Leia back. Oh. Dear. Gods.

Han at least says something constructive to Threepio: "I love her," Han said emphatically. "I love her more than I love my own life, more than breath. When she touches me I feel like . . . I don't know how to say it." Threepio asks the obvious, if he's told her this. And he says he doesn't know how to say it. Um, you just said it! Han is not a shy guy, he's not afraid to speak his mind, and while I don't think he gets mushy a lot, if it's a choice of letting Leia go or breaking down and saying what he's feeling I would think he'd be able to open his mouth. Instead, he starts asking Threepio about like, love poems or songs or something. Yeah, because that's going to save your relationship.

There are so many things about this book that are ridiculous! Han's whole plan is, like, scheming to make Leia fall in love with him. It's like something out of a sitcom or a 14-year old. And it makes no sense because of course they're grown-ups in a (supposedly) adult relationship, and because she did love him before for other reasons. So suddenly spouting poetry or making her fancy dinners doesn't seem like it would do a damn thing.

You think we're done with ridiculous plot points, right? Oh, not even close. Seriously, people, we're like a sixth of the way into this bad boy. So there is this big meeting thing and basically people are announcing the wedding without Leia having said yes and at first she's all protesting but then realizes that she had already agreed to go back to Hapes with Isolder and, well, what did she expect would happen after that? Seems kind of obvious. But to interrupt the whole thing, Threepio goes to take the stage. What does he have to say? Oh, apparently Han Solo is the king of Corellia because his great-grandfather was the king. Sure, he needs to be a king now in order to be worthy of marrying her? Han just slinks out of the meeting and Leia is annoyed that he never told her. Apparently the Solo royalty was fairly corrupt, and why they think Han had never mentioned this before.

Not long after this Leia and Isolder are off walking around some gardens or something and he is being sickeningly perfect. The main thing you need to take away from this section was that after he tells her to take a few days to say goodbye to her friends, she hugs him and almost says that she loves him but decides it's too soon. Ya think? Again, what Leia were these authors seeing in the movies that she is so fickle with her emotions? Kissing anyone who wants one and falling in love with someone in twenty minutes? Do you feel bad enough for Han yet? Isolder tells her he loves her right after she thinks this, and the only good news is she does not return the sentiment.

Han, meanwhile is getting ready to go on a long mission courtesy of Threkin Horm who pretty much just wants to get him out of the way so Leia can marry Isolder. Well, it would seem to me that Han being around isn't doing much to prevent that possibility so far. Leia is at least nice enough to invite Han over for a drink, basically their final goodbye. When Han arrives, he tells her he resigned his commission as general (can't say I blame him) and is going to Dathomir and asks Leia to come with him. She says no and Han tells her that she's willing to do the same thing with Isolder, why can't she do it with him? A fair point, for sure. Han then says,

"Who knows, maybe you'd fall in love with Dathomir. Maybe you would fall back in love with me."

He sounded so pitiable. Leia felt guilty for the past few days, for ignoring him, deserting him. She remembered how she'd felt the day that Vader had encased Han in carbonite, shipping him back to Jabba the Hutt, the joy they had shared when the Emperor was vanquished. She'd loved him then. But that was a long time ago, she told herself. "Look, Han, I'll always be fond of you," Leia found herself saying. "I know it's hard."

"But have a nice life?" Han asked.

My blood pressure seriously just went up. Fall back in love? When exactly did she fall out of love? She still hasn't given him a reasonable explanation for anything that has been going on. She hasn't said that she missed him when he was gone, or that she wishes things could be different and she could marry him. All it takes is one handsome prince and that's it. She loved him? Past tense? Again, when did this happen? And that was a long time ago? It wasn't like it was some young, fleeting romance. He was gone for a few months and last we knew you loved him like crazy. I'll always be fond of you? You don't think maybe he deserves more than that? How would she feel if these roles were reversed? Why is she suddenly acting so heartless and as though he has no right to be upset? Why don't they actually talk?!?!?

Well, there's no time for that now, because Han picks up one of the presents the Hapans had given her, the gun of command. All you have to do is shoot someone with it and they do whatever you say. So, what does Han do? He shoots her and kidnaps her to Dathomir. Yeah, that makes way more sense than just freaking telling her how you feel. Like, really making her understand how she's tearing you up inside.

Leia awakens locked in a compartment of some sort, in total darkness. She kind of deserved it, but really it was so Chewie wouldn't know she was there because surely he would've tried to talk some sense into Han. Chewie finds her and is, of course, appalled. So appalled, in fact, that he asks Leia if she wants him to beat Han for her. Amazingly, Leia turns down the offer. It's about the only nice thing she's done for him so far in the book. Still furious, Leia asks him what he wants from her and he says he just wants seven days on Dathomir with her, just some time to see if she falls back in love with him. Again, when and why did she fall out of love with him? She asks him what the point is.

"The point is, Princess, that five months ago you told me you loved me, and it wasn't the first time. You used to love me. You believed it, and you made me believe it. I thought our love was something special, something I would gladly die for, and I'm not going to let you throw away our future just because some other prince comes along!"

Somehow this still doesn't sort of spark something in Leia to make her realize how she's been treating him for no good reason. But of course she never, ever says anything to maybe, like, apologize for the way she's treated him or even just for the fact that the situation has gotten so complicated and it's not so simple anymore. But she does think this:

He really was putting everything on the line, as he had done for her time and time again. A few years ago she had thought he was dashing and bold, perhaps a bit reckless. Now that she thought about it, he had only seemed reckless because he so often risked his life for her. Han would almost throw it away at her whim. What she had once deemed an almost inhuman courage was really a sign of his unflagging devotion. And Leia found her heart pounding in fear at the thought that someone could love her that much.

Okay, but apparently this still doesn't make you sit back and realize what you've been putting him through. Hell, even if for some legitimate reason she had fallen in love with someone else while he was gone you'd think she'd at least have the decency to feel bad for having hurt him!

The trip to Dathomir is quite long, and most of the time Leia just orders Han around and he acts like her personal servant. Again, more of that sort of scheming to make her love him kind of crap. Cutting her steak for her isn't going to make her love you, Solo. Nor is calling her, "my pet." Finally at least Han gets angry enough to tell her that she should at the very least be able to like him as a friend, and then he asks her if there is anything about him that she still likes. Just something. Anything. And she can't answer him. He is of course still angry and tells her to at least talk to him... finally. And she says:

"I'll spell it out for you: you, Han Solo the man, I can forgive. But when you brought me on this ship, you betrayed the New Republic that we serve. You're not just Han Solo the man anymore. You were Han Solo the hero of the Rebel Alliance, Han Solo the General of the New Republic. And that Han Solo I can't forgive, I refuse to forgive. Sometimes what you represent is so important that you can't let your standards down. You become respected as an icon, as much for what you are as who you are."

Ugh. All right. Yet again I'm left wondering if she suddenly has no memories at all of ever having loved him. I still think at this point Han should run far, far away. At least this was probably the closest they came to a grown-up conversation, if only because at the end of it Leia basically just tells Han he needs to grow up.

They finally arrive on Dathomir and it's a bit tricky because Zsinj and his star destroyers are all orbiting the planet. Their landing is a bit more of a crash and the Falcon is left incapacitated, but at least the threat of death can take their minds off fighting for a little while. About this time Luke and Isolder head for Dathomir to get them. Ta'a Chume, The Queen Mother of Hapes and also Isolder's mother, isn't such a nice lady and she intends to kill Han when her fleet finds him. For some reason Isolder wants to make sure that doesn't happen. So at least he's not a terrible guy. Actually, honestly, I like that he's not a terrible guy. I hate when movies have the love triangle and we want the protagonist to win back the girl but the guy she's with is a really awful person. Why does the other guy have to be awful for her to choose the other guy? And why would she be with him in the first place?

Han, Leia, Chewie and Threepio decide they need to move or they're not going anyhwere. They saw a city as they were landing. Han basically thinks he's going to have to leave the Falcon behind for good and Leia is amazed he is willing to do such a thing. Then, as they set off into the night after having noticed giant footprints that remind me of the T-rex from Jurassic Park, Han starts being all nice to Threepio again and tells him he needs to help him find a way to get Leia to fall back in love with him. *Face palm* How about just being yourself? If you have to like, trick someone into falling in love with you, well, that can't be a good start to any relationship.

They are being pursued by Imperial walkers, and they manage to take one out before running into another one later and spending quite a while marching toward impending doom before a third party shows up and takes out the bad guys. This third party would be the witches of Dathomir, riding rancors like cowboys ride horses. This is a step in the right direction, but now basically they are captives of the witches instead of the Imperials.

The witches are sort of a primitive society, although the women are the leaders and the men are the slaves. They mostly have the Force but they think they are casting "spells" and have been taught to use it a bit differently, although they are quite powerful.

Luke and Isolder have a similarly not-so-smooth descent to the planet upon their arrival, and also wind up having to walk around a lot. They are captured by another witch, Teneniel Djo. None of them know it, but they are all about to be reunited. Leia, Han, Threepio and Chewie get there first. Leia is taken inside while Han is sent with the men where he kind of has to figure out what he is supposed to do. At which point somehow he winds up spending like two hours pulling a giant worm out of the ground, which they are all quite happy with. I don't know, they use the thing's hyde for rope and stuff.

Someone comes to get Han and brings him it to be judged or whatever, and apparently Leia has been pleading his case. I'm kind of surprised considering how she's been acting she didn't just tell them to kill him. Also on the planet at the Nightsisters, which are sort of like the dark side of the Force on the planet. Not so nice. So the Nightsisters and the witches of the Singing Mountain Clan (this book is crazy) are arguing over who has claim to him. The witches argue that he had saved the life of one of their own, and that would be Leia, so he should be free.

Meanwhile, Teneniel Djo is bringing Luke and Isolder back and has already decided that Luke will be her mate since he's a male witch. She's maybe the only one who doesn't think Isolder is the hottest dude around. Back at the camp, Han discusses a deal to sell the witches the planet. He asks to get off the planet, because he needs a ship, for some gold and stuff they had offered, and for Leia to marry him. They tell him that Leia said he would ask for those three things, and he can have the ship and the gold, but not Leia, and Leia just sits there acting all smug. The only good thing about this exchange is that Han finally realizes how deluded he was to think that Leia would choose a husband based on material goods. Newsflash: she wouldn't choose one just because he had long, blond hair and a pretty face, either!

They all head off too bed, which is basically just one, big hut thing and some mats. Threepio offers up some music to go to sleep by and, in one of the most embarrassing additions to any Star Wars book, sings a song he made up about Han. I just... I'm not even going to quote from it. Just one like, all right, "Han Solo, what a man!" That would be the chorus, and it winds up getting stuck in Leia's head quite a bit during the rest of the book. Well, after that ridiculousness, Leia finally says something sort of nice to Han out of nowhere:

"Han," Leia whispered.

"Yeah?"

"That was nice of you, offering her the planet."

"Oh," Han said, almost choking on the words, "it was nothing."

"You're a pretty nice guy sometimes," Leia said.

Han raised an eyebrow, looked across the room to where Leia rested on her mat, blankets pulled tight against her throat. "So, uh, does that mean you love me?"

"No," Leia said flippantly. "It just means that sometimes I think you're a pretty nice guy."

It's like it's before Empire and they haven't even kissed yet. Sheesh. The Nightsisters really want Han, mostly as a trade to Warlord Zsinj. So in the middle of the night Han thinks he's seeing Leia, but what he sees is trying to kill him, but fortunately real Leia saves him. So I guess she cares at least a little.

Luke and Isolder are still on their way, and Isolder seems to be taken by Teneniel even though Luke is the one she insists she wants - even though he does not reciprocate. Eventually they finally all find Leia and Han, and Leia starts to tell the witches how Luke and Isolder have both also saved her life, at which point they all wonder why so many people are always trying to kill her. The Falcon got dragged back so Han could try and fix it, and everyone goes and finds him there. Han tells Isolder to take Leia back to his fighter and fly her off the planet, but apparently Isolder had just been testing Han to see if he valued Leia's safety over his own. Duh.

They decide they need to go break into this prison to steal some generators in order to get off the planet. The prison was set up for Imperial war criminals, or basically anyone against the Empire. Not a happy place. So they all set off to ride their rancors. Han of course wants to ride with Leia but Luke, being annoying, says he wants to ride with her since it's been a while. Dude, do you not realize that that stupid prince is trying to move in on your sister and your best friend needs to have some time with her? Isolder winds up sneaking on, and Luke rides with Teneniel and Han gets stuck with Chewie. Han did use the opportunity to say that maybe he should go ride with Teneniel and gives Leia a hard time about it. I kind of felt like he should've just to let her see how it feels. Again, if the roles were reversed, it would never have been tolerated.

They do all share a somewhat interesting debate spurred on by Isolder questioning why the witches seem to treat the rancors more like equals while they treat their men as slaves. Leia brings up the fact that it is actually somewhat barbaric that some people rule simply by birthright. Isolder argues that the skills for ruling would then be in their blood, and it's no different from breeding for speed or size or whatever, just a different set of desired traits. After some back and forth on this Leia at least finally has a rational thought, realizing that she possessed all of the desired traits Isolder was looking for in a queen, and that he might just be the kind of person who only let himself fall in love with someone of the right qualifications.

At this point, there is a lengthy section of the book that has nothing to do with Han and Leia getting together again. It's all logistics and breaking into the prison and there is no sort of turning point in their relationship. As they are breaking into the prison, Threepio finds out from a message Artoo intercepted that Gethzerion, the evil lead witch of the Nightsisters, has made a deal with Zsinj to give him Han and has set a trap for him. Well, they have a not-so-perfect mission at the prison, but survive. Isolder starts having some meaningful chats with Teneniel, and Luke talks to her also about the Force and crap like that. It isn't long before Luke has a vision and knows that Gethzerion is planning to attack them and they need to get moving again.

So they saddle up the rancors, and there is some shifting of who rides with whom, Isolder with Teneniel and Han and Leia together. This is another thing (of the 2,781 things) that drives me nuts about this book. Let's just say that Leia did fall out of love with Han and just sort of forgot what they had been through. Well, she finally spends some time to him and apparently she is sort of warming up to him but there is no indication given as to why. In fact, at this point it is really more because Isolder is starting to like Teneniel Djo better, not because Leia wants to ride with Han.

Well, they get back to the ship and Luke tells them to go back and get it fixed as quick as possible while Luke has to go off and fight or something, and Han says he wants to go with Luke. Leia yells at him about not fixing the ship instead to save some of these people, but even Luke understands that it's just Han's inability to desert a friend in need. So off he goes while they try to get the Falcon running and eventually wind up under attack. Isolder was outside with Teneniel and he gets taken out but she saves him and Leia does some flying around and they take out some of their attackers. Upon going back and finding Isolder unconscious, Leia wakes him up and he says something about, "What a beautiful face to wake up to!" and grabs her and kisses her. All Han does is say something about, "no mushy stuff."

They hear another message about how Gethzerion claims to have Han captured for Zsinj and things aren't looking so good. They decide that someone is going to have to fly out and take out some of the sattellites Zsinj has overhead in order to clear a path for the others to escape, but there is just about no way this person will survive. Han tells Isolder maybe they can draw straws and Leia just about loses it at this point. Mostly because she can't feel Luke anymore and is very much afraid he's dead. Han tries to comfort her, but there's nothing he can say.

His comforting gestures are interrupted by a vision. Gethzerion basically forces herself into his head and tells him that if he does not surrender she will kill those prisoners that they were going to try and save. She kills a bunch of them to prove her point, and Han can't turn away and she tells him that in an hour she'll kill five hundred more. And another five hundred after that. This is not the best news he's ever heard. Leia at first thinks he's crying, then he says he has to get out of there and runs back to the Falcon. Leia and Isolder follow him and Han sends Isolder off to get something they need to get the ship running while Leia tries to figure out what's going on.

First she gets mad at him because she thinks he's just running away, but then Han picks up his commlink and relays a message that he's surrendering. Now, finally Leia seems to act like she cares about him at least a tiny little bit, knowing that if he turns himself in, he will certainly be dead. Han goes and grabs a thermal detonator and tucks it into his belt, planning on taking out Gethzerion and her cronies, but also certainly dying in the explosion himself. He turns to ask Leia if she can tell it's there and she can't find her voice. This next bit I'll just directly quote, because it is just about almost the only part of the book that maybe, kind of, sort of is something a Han and Leia fan might like to read:

"Hey," Han said, "don't take it too hard. You're the one who said I had to grow up, take responsibility for who I am. General Han Solo, hero of the Rebel Alliance. I figure if I play it smart, I can take out Gethzerion and all her damned cronies with her. I'll have to leave it up to Isolder to do something about Zsinj. He's a good man. You made a good choice. Really."

Leia heard the words distantly, realized with a shock how strange they sounded. She hadn't thought about her involvement with Isolder for three days, hadn't really believed she had ever made a choice. Because she hadn't made a choice. Deep in her heart, she'd still been waiting to see if she loved Han.

Yet, she knew that that wasn't true. She had chosen Isolder, out of necessity. Her people had needed her to wed the Hapan worlds, and she'd responded to those needs. As long as the Empire remained a threat, she hadn't been able to see any other path she could take.

She glanced down at Han's belt line, tried to sound calm, controlled. "Yeah," she said. "That ought to do it. I've got to say, you really look good with a bomb strapped to you."

Han bent down and kissed her fiercely, passionately, and the blood thundered in her ears. Leia suddenly realized how much she had missed this, missed feeling such raw, elemental fervor for a man. She looked over his shoulder. Chewbacca was putting tools away. The Wookiee looked at her mournfully, and Leia closed her eyes, leaned into Han and kissed him harder.

While some of this is nice, some of it is terribly frustrating. Han doesn't think she should take it too hard, and considering the way she's been acting toward him, he's right. Then Leia starts thinking about how she'd been waiting to see if she still loved Han? How was she going to figure this out, exactly? She never gives him a second of opportunity to talk to her like a grown-up in a real relationship, never listens to what he has to say or what he's been feeling. She just acts angry with him for having the gall to be upset that she might marry someone else and talks to him as though he's exactly the low-life, undeserving smuggler that everyone else seems to think he is. She never appears to give this choice any real thought. Only thinks of the advantages of having Hapes on their side and never wonders about what this might do to Han or if she might actually miss him.

Well, then at least they do share what is most likely the most intense kiss of all of the EU books. But you know, the last kiss before dying had better be a good one so at least she'll give him that. Oh, and apparently it makes her finally realize that she missed this with him. So you'll admit that maybe love has something to do with it? Really wanting someone with every fiber of your being and not just thinking the guy looks pretty good and has a lot of money? Did Leia have amnesia for the prior 350 pages of this book or was she possessed by some she-devil?

Okay, well, Leia you're too late now because now he has to leave to get himself killed. Oh, this reminds me of another funny fanfic you should read by GreatOne, called, "How Han Solo Became a Hero." There is a movie made about Han's life and some of it is exaggerated in fairly amusing ways, and some of the pokes at this book are quite funny. Anyway, once the kiss is over Leia starts to talk and Han stops her, telling her that he doesn't want this to be any worse than it already is, basically that he can't stand hearing her say she loves him only to know that it's the last time he'll ever hear it.

Han goes and says goodbye to Chewie and then says he has to go, walking down the gangplank. Leia sits and cries for a minute but she finds herself following him. She calls out to him and he stops.

Han turned, looked at her. She could barely see his face at this distance, dark and insubstantial, almost an apparition. "I like some things about you," Leia said. "I like the way your pants fit."

Han smiled. "I know." He turned and began walking again.

"Han!" Leia called again, and she wanted to say, "I love you," but she did not want to hurt him, did not want to say it now, and yet could not bear the thought of leaving it unsaid.

Han turned to her, flashed a weak smile. "I know," he called softly. "You love me. I've always known." He waved good-bye, and jogged off into the deeper shadows.

Okay, we'll have to give points for the mention on how his pants fit because I'm sure there is not a woman alive who is not appreciative of that. I'm not exactly sure how Han has always known she loved him because she didn't act like she did at all for the entire book up until now. I guess I can appreciate that she wanted to tell him but again, where did it even come from at this point? This is what is annoying: she only decides she loves him because she knows he's going to die. I can maybe forgive that point if somewhere throughout the second half of the book they maybe talked a bit or you could see a bit more evidence of her warming up aside from just riding his rancor instead of Isolder's (that sounded really dirty) but no, not a hint of feeling until the scary realization that she's never going to see him again, and that makes her realize she might miss him.

I don't understand any of this. If you think about it, it's almost as though the only reason Leia is with Han is because he's the default option. It is never simply because she loves him more than anyone else. First it's because Luke is her brother. Now it's because in the end, Isolder decides he likes Teneniel better and the threat of Han dying makes her somehow remember her feelings for him. Again, I'm not totally against the idea of Han's imminent death making Leia realize what she'd be losing, it's just that there was nothing prior to that where she acted a little bit like she might still like him. Seriously, if that is the kind of woman she was, I'm not sure I would even want Han to wind up with her.

Back to the story, off Han goes and Leia is desperate for Luke to come back, except Luke is severely injured after coming in contact with some Nightsisters. Han finds him on his way to turning himself in and gets some help for him before he leaves again. Isolder is chatting with Teneniel and decides that she is the one he wants. Again, making it almost as though it isn't even really Leia's choice to be with Han, but it just works out that way because everyone else is taken. Well, Luke gets brought back to Leia, badly injured and insists on just a little bit of sleep before they go find Han. This also seems somewhat ridiculous but works out all right because Han does a lot of waiting once he turns himself in.

Once Han is taken in, we get one of the many examples of how badly Han is treated when held captive in the EU. I can recall at least one instance in another book in which Leia was held captive in what seemed like a five-star hotel. First a guy with some nice claws gashes Han's cheek and then digs one into his shoulder and twists. Finally Han is brought before Gethzerion and he feels a bit like the end of his life is anticlimactic, but he pulls out and tosses the thermal detonator and... nothing happened. They knew he had it and deactivated it and they are not happy. So she decides she's going to break each of his bones one by one, which she can do with the Force. First, she shatters his tibia, which feels great, as you can imagine.

About this time he sees the Falcon coming for him and tries to find a way to sort of stall. So he asks her if she's going to be doing that to his teeth. I guess he figures he'll be better off with broken teeth than a couple of broken arms and legs before they get to him. So she shatters a couple of his teeth and kind of makes you cringe. Fortunately, after only the leg and two teeth, the Falcon starts blasting things and comes to get Han, blasting a hole in the prison wall right close enough for Han to stumble to the ramp with a bit if help from Isolder and some witches.

Once he gets on board:

Leia stared hard into Han's eyes, grabbed his face and kissed him. Pain flared from the broken molars and Han nearly screamed, but instead held Leia and closed his eyes, just enjoying it.

Wow, remember when she used to like him? Again, I don't know where this woman came from because she is certainly not the same one from most of the rest of the book. There are some crazy escape antics and they wind up even getting to take out Zsinj thanks to some brilliant tactics on Han's part. Then, the battle is finally over. Leia starts massaging Han's shoulders and he feels like it's five months' worth of tension being taken away. Then he thinks about, "what a cramped little man I've been." And that I just don't get at all. Are we supposed to think that any of what happened earlier was his fault? I mean, the kidnapping might not have been the best idea, but was there something else he could've done to crazy, irrational, wants-to-marry-the-prince-she-just met Leia from the beginning of the book? I just don't know.

They talk a bit about how they are making some progress in the war and then Leia turns Han's chair around and tells him he won. He says no, they haven't won the war. And she says no, he won the bet. Seven days on Dathomir and if she fell in love with him she had to marry him, and apparently she loves him now because he won.

"Oh, that," Han said. "Look, that was a stupid bet. I would never force you to do something like that. I release you from it."

"Oh yeah?" Leia said. "Well, I don't release you!" She took his chin in her hands and kissed him, a long slow kiss that seemed to penetrate every aching fiber of his being, making him whole.

I remember kind of liking that when I first read it back in 1994. But at the same time being kind of disappointed that there was no proposal or anything. It just seems ridiculous that the reason they wind up married is almost because of a stupid game and again, not just because they actually love each other and want to spend their lives together!

When they all get back it is learned that Ta'a Chume apparently was behind the attempt to assassinate Leia much earlier in the book. She's just pretty much evil, and Isolder announces his plans to marry Teneniel instead. Leia was obviously totally in love with Isolder recently because she doesn't seem to care about that in the slightest. Not that she should, since she'll be marrying Han.

At the very end, we do not actually witness the wedding. At the time I hated that they skipped it, but if you think about it, actually reading a wedding ceremony doesn't really make for great literature. Not that any of this book qualifies for that either, but wedding ceremonies are pretty boring and all the same. But it is told from Luke's point of view as he is late for the wedding. Yes, the best man and brother of the bride is late for the wedding. That was just yet another ridiculous, stupid inclusion here. Apparently his driver dropped him off two hundred kilometers away from where he was supposed to be thanks to a bit of miscommunication. I'm sorry, that's just ridiculous.

Well, just before he goes in Threepio finds him and tells him that apparently Han's long-lost relative who had taken the throne did so illegally so Han is not really an heir to be king. Gee, never saw that one coming. So Threepio insists that now they'll have to stop the wedding, and Luke agrees... just before switching Threepio off. Luke makes it just in time to witness this scene:

There are apparently thousands of guests and yet Isolder and Teneniel are in the front row. Yes, thousands of people in their lives and that guy you just met recently who wanted to marry you and the random witch you found on that planet who is going to marry him instead are important enough to sit in the front row. Who got stuck in the back? But the last line is at least kind of nice:

And at that moment Leia was more serene, more content, than she had ever been in her life. And perhaps she was as filled with joy as anyone could be.

So, well, at least she actually seems happy she's marrying him. Sigh. What more can I really say about this book that I didn't already rant about as I went along? I will say that in spite of the fact that it is obviously absurd in its characterizations and just irritating beyond belief, I still sort of feel like it is required reading for any good Han and Leia fan who has any intention of reading the EU. Just think of it as some parallel universe or something. And understand that it has almost nothing to do with Han courting Leia. There's even a lot of crap about Luke finding out more Jedi stuff.

Seriously, you just feel so bad for Han here and wonder why he is even bothering trying to win Leia back if she's going to treat him like that. I'm actually going to mention another fanfic here which I believe was written by Dant Solo. Basically, Han and Leia finally get to have a real conversation supposedly after they are back from Dathomir in this book. Han is, understandably, pretty angry about how everything went. So angry, in fact, that he says he's leaving her. Leia is devastated and Han asks her, "Does it hurt?" Of course it does, and he tells her, "Just imagine how it'd feel if I actually meant it." And she finally gets it. There you go, Han, throw it back in her face. Seriously, how would she have felt if Han just decided he liked some other hot chick and was going to leave with her without giving a shred of thought as to how Leia might feel about that?

Even if we are supposed to somehow believe that Han and Leia would've acted like they did in this book, I find it hard to believe that after what they just went through there wouldn't be some serious arguments and coming to terms with some stuff. I mean, Leia never even apologizes for anything. I know we all like to think that Han loves Leia unconditionally, but she gets just a little out of hand here. Even he would have his limits. Unfortunately, this sets up an awful lot of Leia treating Han like a second-class citizen throughout much of the EU.

I'm pretty sure I've covered every element of terribleness in this book. So, what the heck do I give it for a Han and Leia factor? I feel like you kind of should read it, since they are in it and theoretically it is about them, so it's not as bad as Splinter in that sense. But I've never seen such a poorly handled relationship or two characters who in the book seem to have pretty much no reason to be together yet find themselves getting married in the end. I guess I'll go with a 1, but Push may have other ideas. All right, I'd say that's enough!