Chapter 16
“Hey, we’re all gonna go grab a bite to eat. Wanna join?”
Han looked down at Leia. "Up to you."
She paused. The meeting had actually relaxed her and she felt a bit adventurous. It wasn't often that she got to dine out anymore and as good a cook as Han was, even he had his limitations. Finally, thoughts of another night cooped up in the small lounge of the Millennium Falcon flitted across her mind and she answered with a casual shrug of her shoulders, "Okay."
**
The motley crew of estranged couples had commandeered a large table at a local pub. When they had arrived the atmosphere had been that of a quaint restaurant with low lighting and mood music. After
their meal and as the night wore on, however, the music’s tempo and
volume changed and some empty tables had been moved to give way to a
dance floor. The previously barren bar at the far corner of
the establishment was quickly filling up with rowdy patrons ordering
pitchers of ale and smoking herb sticks that filled the air with pungent
scents and a smoky haze.
Han
and Leia sat next to each other while the chairs surrounding them were
vacated by couples getting up to dance, mingle or otherwise distance
themselves from one another. Just as their waiter set a tall
glass of wine in front of Leia and a mug of Corellian ale down for Han,
Leia heard a familiar voice from over her shoulder.
"I'm stealing your husband from you. You don't mind, do you?"
Leia
looked over and found the tall blond from the meeting, Lohree, with her
hand resting on Han’s shoulder and a wide smile plastered against her
face. Her lipstick was freshly applied and it was evident
that her perfume had been also as a pleasant aroma emanated off of her
competing with the smokiness of the bar air. Leia looked down at Han and instantly read the look on his face. He was praying for a rescue, his head barely shaking back and forth in silent protest.
Her
first inclination was to give in and save Han from this apparent
predator as part of her felt a pang of jealousy at the thought of
someone else dancing with him anyway. It was the mischievous part of her
that won out, however, as she nodded an affirming 'yes' to Lohree and
worked, quite unsuccessfully, at hiding the triumphant smile from Han as
he begrudgingly rose from his seat and followed Lohree to the dance
floor.
Watching the couple depart, Leia took a sip of her wine. The
thought had been that the bold move would negate the unwanted feeling
of possessiveness that had come over her, but, as with most of her
clumsy attempts at besting herself, it quickly blew up in her face when
Lohree slung her arm low around Han's torso and Leia felt a red hot heat
blossom in her belly and spread up her neck and face. Her triumphant smile was all but forgotten and the pleasant mood of the day seemed deadset on following it wherever it had gone.
The
next several moments were spent in a constant battle between Leia and
her eyes as she tried in vain to look anywhere else but at Han and his
dance partner but yet succeeded only in finding them every single time.
She took a long, slow sip of her wine. Lohree was taller
than Leia and as they danced and she lifted her head to speak to Han the
distance (or lack of it) between their lips made it look way to
tempting and easy for Han to tilt his head only slightly forward and
kiss her. Not that Leia thought Han would, but the thought was there all
the same. And as easy and tempting as it looked, Leia knew - or at
least strongly suspected - that Lohree would not have a problem with the
current situation unfolding in just that sort of manner. Leia gulped
the last of her wine down in one large, unPrincesslike swallow, hoping
that the warm liquid would push the
conflicted feelings crawling up her throat right back down into the
depths from where they had come from.
"My situation must look wholly pathetic to young eyes such as yours."
The
statement came from over Leia's left shoulder and was accompanied by
someone filling her empty wine glass. It was Lohree's estranged husband, Kabe. Leia found her voice as he slid into the chair next to her.
"Thank you, and no, not at all."
"You’re being polite. I appreciate it, but it isn't necessary."
Leia studied the older man thoughtfully as he found the same couple on the dance floor that she herself had been watching. She knew how she felt, unjustifiably as she had no real claim to Han, but this man had all the justification in the worlds to feel choked by possessiveness. This man wasn’t playing a game. All of a sudden she and Han’s situation didn’t seem so intolerable. "It's
not politeness but self-preservation," she finally replied as she took a
sip of her wine. "It seems we are all in the same situation so if yours
is pathetic than so would be mine." The words weren't entirely true,
but she wasn’t about to belittle the man further by telling him so. The older man relaxed his shoulders and smiled and Leia returned the smile knowing that her words, at least, had had the desired effect.
"To love and marriage," he replied with a lift of his glass.
Leia lifted her own glass and clinked it against his as she returned the sentiment.
"The pair doesn’t get the respect they deserve," Kabe said thoughtfully, his eyes on the dance floor.
It
took a moment for Leia to realize what he was speaking about - their toast to love and marriage - and not about what he was
currently staring at - his wife dancing with Han.
"I
worked hard all my life," he continued into Leia's silence. "In my
studies when I was young and later as I grew into a man. People called
me driven, dedicated and ambitious. I had clear goals of what I wished
to achieve, to realize during my lifetime. Honor and responsibility were
my partner to get me there."
Leia watched him as he spoke and couldn't help but think of her own ambition-driven childhood and life.
"I was a fool," Kabe whispered wistfully as he finally dropped his gaze down into his drink.
"You seem very successful," Leia responded. She recalled what she had thought of him as he and his wife had done the demonstration earlier. Pity and perhaps a tinge of distaste or disappointment that he seemed to have been a man that had married for looks.
"I
am," he answered proudly, his chest inflating a bit before one long
exhaled breath drained him of all that pride. "I did everything I set
out to do and more." He took a sip of his drink and let his eyes travel
back to the dance floor. "But it turns out that honor and responsibility make damned lonely partners."
An
uneasy feeling crept back up Leia's throat until she swallowed
awkwardly and looked out to the dance floor, easily finding Han.
"Does he make you laugh?"
The
question caught Leia off guard and when she looked back at Kabe he
hitched his chin out to the dance floor, indicating that he was speaking
about Han - her estranged husband. Her eyes dropped for a moment of introspection but when she looked back up at Kabe she answered honestly, "Yes, he does."
"Does he care about you? Can you talk to him? Do you trust him?"
She
drug her bottom lip gently across her teeth while her eyes traveled
back out to the dance floor. "Yes, on all accounts," she whispered.
Kabe
leaned toward her. "Then stick with him. Forget all this divorce stuff.
Life is too short to assume you'll find someone else that does all of
those things." Before she could protest he continued in earnest. "I
always thought they'd be time. My personal life always took the backseat
to my business and my obligations. And now, now that I have everything,
all the money in the world to buy whatever I want, I can't buy the one thing that I want...the one thing that I need the most." He looked back out to the dance floor and Leia suddenly felt very pensive. "She's not a bad person,” Kabe continued. “I knew she didn't love me, that's not her fault. I thought I had enough money to keep her happy, in that way
I failed us both. She thought all she wanted was money but the more I
gave her the more she found that it wasn’t enough. When she
finally leaves me, she'll probably fall in love with some schlep living
on a shoestring budget and find that she's never been more happy.
That's the thing about love; it's got a never-ending bank account."
Leia contemplated his words. There was a time in her life when she would’ve been able to work at love, to interview her suitors and to date them. That time had been ripped away from her. Even if she wanted to she was in no position to participate in that social dance. The
night before she had confessed to (a probably sleeping) Han that she
was attracted to him. But did that attraction equal love? She certainly
didn't feel ready to connect those dots. However, if she never acted on
the attraction (save one drunken night) then whatever came of it would
never get a chance at a breath of life, be it love or heartache or
what-have-you. Maybe whatever she and Han had been doing
was as close as she would ever get to dating someone, getting to know
them, and falling in love. The train of thought
wasn’t altogether uncomfortable.
Leia
closed her eyes and rubbed her forehead, the wine was taking its affect
on her mind - fuzzying her thoughts. The Alliance, Alderaan, the
Empire. All those things that usually took precedence in her life came
clawing their way to the surface of her thoughts, clamoring for her
drunken attention. But Kabe's speech echoed its warning. The Alliance,
Alderaan and the Empire would make fairly lousy and lonely partners
somewhere down the road. Hells, they made fairly lousy and lonely
partners now.
"You alright?"
Leia
opened her eyes to find two concerned hazel eyes looking down on her.
Han had returned from the dance and Lohree was sitting stiffly next to Kabe already pouting about something. "I'm fine,” she replied. “I think I just need some fresh air."
Leia stood and made to walk to the door as Han grabbed her arm at the elbow saying, "I'll come with you."
She
felt grateful for Han's assistance as she made it through the crowd,
her vision hazy from the alcohol and the smoky cantina. It was a shock
to her senses as they entered the cool, dark nighttime air of the city
street. They walked past the crowd of people waiting to get in and
finally snagged an empty alcove that belonged to a closed business next
door. Leia leaned gratefully against the sturdy wall of duracrete.
"You need to sit down?" Han asked fidgeting.
"No,
I'm fine. I just had to get out of there." Recalling her hasty exit,
she then added, "I should've told Kabe we were leaving. I didn't even
say goodbye."
"He'll get over it. He has his hands full, I'm sure."
Han's
posture was rigid and his eyes were never fixed on one place for too
long. It took her several moments to comprehend it. He didn't like being
out like this in the middle of the night, not with her feeling woozy
and his back to the street and no Wookiee backup anywhere to be found.
He was always taking care of her. Thinking about the situation, the
risks, even when she wasn't. Like, perhaps that night that had started
all of this. How many other men would've left her with her dignity, much
less her virginity, in tact when thrown into the same situation? Why did he do
that? Her brain wrapped itself around that question, toying with it and
absorbing it. The fogginess started to give way to a pleasurable warmth
that she secretly associated with Han Solo.
"Have you ever been in love?" She asked him.
His
alert demeanor gave way to shock for just a millisecond, and then he
squared his shoulders and said casually, "Once or twice, I guess. Never
really thought about it."
She
studied him carefully, he was a perfect contradiction to her in that
she liked to believe that she had him all figured out but didn’t
understand him at all. She sighed, her head dizzy and then
what would have usually remained repressed somewhere near the tips of
her toes came out unbidden. "What do you mean you've never thought about it? Either you have or you haven't."
"Well,” he stammered. “Have you?"
She stared at him for a moment, and then answered simply, bravely, "No."
"Hmph," he answered, plainly intrigued. "I thought a Princess would've had her share of suitors."
"Perhaps,"
she replied, ignoring the slight slur of the syllables. "But I've never
said the words. I've come close to wondering; thinking possibly
but...never quite convinced enough to commit to it."
"That doesn't surprise me."
"Why do you say that? Wait, no, you're drawing me off subject. We're supposed to be talking about you. Have you
ever said the words?" He smiled down at her, seemed...amused. The
fogginess was lifting off her brain, yet she allowed it to hover there
to her advantage. She found Han most pliable when he didn't think she
was at the top of her game.
"Yes, I've said the words, once or twice, just like I said."
"So,
you've been in love."
He shrugged his shoulders and his eyes got that
distant look. She thought a moment of what she wouldn't give to take a
ride to where those thoughts were going. "Like
I said, I guess," he replied, his gaze coming back to meet hers.
"Looking back, now...they were probably just words. Wishful thinking."
The thought of a Han Solo that would wish to be in love made her insides flutter. "No, you can't take it back now,” she argued. “You
were in love, just...maybe not the forever kind." Her own words sounded
childish and idealistic as they came out of her mouth. She thought, as
she pressed her hands against her lips to suppress a giggle, that
perhaps the fog hadn't completely lifted yet.
"You're drunk," Han finally stated the obvious, but the fact seemed to sour his mood instantly and greatly as a solid wall of seriousness slammed down between them.
"I'm
not," she argued as she drew in a deep breath of the nighttime air.
"Just...liberated," she finally said, because that was how she felt.
"We're
getting you some coffee," Han replied quickly as he took her once again
by the elbow and began to lead her down the street.
"Han
Solo, just because I'm talking about feelings and love, doesn't make me
drunk," she pouted as she walked two steps behind his quick pace. “And why did you have to dance for such a long time with that floozy?” Clearly she had no control of her tongue at this point, she thought - all at once embarrassed. I had better steer clear of Han's mouth, then... That thought brought another round of suppressed giggling.
Han continued walking, perhaps more quickly and she heard him mumble something along the lines of 'just like the last time'.
"Wait,"
she said, yanking her arm free from his grasp. "What do you mean just
like the last time?
Why don't you ever tell me what happened that night?
Don't you think I have the right to know? Don’t you think I should know
what I did? Did I-?" She stopped, not entirely sure that
she wanted to know the answer should she decide to ask the question, but
then pressed on, "Did I say anything...like that? That night?"
Leia held her breath as she watched Han process her question and
calculate his response. She waited eagerly hoping that if perhaps her
subconscious self had already drawn the conclusion and conjured up the
nerve to talk about love with Han Solo then it would make it that much
easier for her conscious self to catch up. Maybe.
Han
dropped his hand down from where he had been holding her at the elbow
and let out a long, deep breath. He looked around a little bit before
his eyes finally landed back on hers and he seemed ready to speak. Leia
curled her toes inside of her shoes, preparing herself for whatever
earth-shattering news Han Solo might finally be ready to deliver to her.
She watched as if in slow motion as he opened his mouth to speak.
"I'll tell you everything you want to know about that night."
With a thud in her belly that was her heart, Leia opened her mouth to reply, but he pressed his finger over her lips to silence her.
He continued, "When you're ready to talk to me about it without being inebriated and in the light of day."
The
muscles in her face relaxed as disappointment crawled across her face.
Her first inclination had been to argue, but she was sober enough to
know that she wasn't quite sober enough to win that argument. And there was something in his eyes that stopped her, too. It was not
the normal sparkle of mischievousness that both enthralled and
infuriated her but a gleam, a hard shine that dared her to look further
but only succeeded in forcing her to turn away. Han waited in silence as she accepted what he said and then took her arm again and
started walking in silence.
The buzz of a headache began to twist
inside of her forehead, yet even in her foggy state, something nagged at
her about what Han had said. And in the light of day. She
looked up at him, studying his profile as he guided her down the street,
his jaw tightly set and the lines of his face more angular than usual.
Had he heard her the night before? And if so, why hadn't he said
anything?
She looked back toward the spaceport
coming into view ahead of them. Each day since they had been there
seemed to prove more
interesting then the next. When Han finally let go of her arm so that
he could punch the access code into the Falcon, she briefly chanced wondering what tomorrow could possibly hold in store for them.