It had been far too interesting of a day. Han decided he had been delusional for thinking that they would make it through this little charade unaffected. It was all just supposed to be some silly play acting until they could move on with their lives. Yep, completely delusional.
He also wondered what he was going to say when she asked him again later about what had happened that night. There was no way she wouldn’t ask, and he was through playing games with her. He was simply going to have to tell her.
Her question about whether or not he’d been in love had thrown him. The truth was, he had said the words a few times. He’d been young and stupid and it just seemed like something he was supposed to say after a certain amount of time, especially when the response from the girl was always so favorable.
But the relationship, like all of the others, eventually ended. And he didn’t recall being incredibly broken up over the loss. Sure, he missed them, but he had no trouble moving on with his life. Occasionally he thought about what it would be like to pack up the Falcon and go back to his old life, without saying much more than goodbye to Leia.
Just the thought of never seeing her again made his stomach churn. He didn’t understand how he could become so attached to someone who had practically made it her job to drive him crazy. In spite of all of the arguments and her insistence that she couldn’t stand him, he realized that his heart fluttered a little every time she entered a room. If he wasn’t with her he was thinking about her constantly, and there had been a few times since he’d known her when his fear for her safety surpassed any fear he’d ever felt.
You love her, Solo. You’re completely in love with that woman and you have no idea what to do about it.
He had never been one to hold anything back, so why didn’t he just tell her?
Perhaps it was the worry that she wouldn’t feel the same way. But she must have, right? Maybe it was the worry that she wouldn’t let herself feel all of those things he knew she was feeling.
Falling in love with an incredible woman – and Leia qualified as more than that – was supposed to be a great thing. Instead, it seemed to be ruining his life. For a brief moment he thought about what things would be like if somehow she stopped being in denial and they just stayed married. He could see coming home to her every day, going to bed with her every night, seeing her face light up with a smile every time she saw him, flying all over the galaxy together. He never saw himself as the kind of man who’d want such a life, but with her, it was different. Nothing else seemed to matter. And yet he also felt like he might as well be fantasizing about growing fur and becoming a Wookiee. Each scenario was equally far-fetched.
He rolled over in his bunk, punching his pillow a bit harder than was necessary. Why don’t you think about that blond you danced with today instead? She wants you. You could have her tomorrow…
He heaved out a sigh, his mind preoccupied only with thoughts he was trying not to have.
Damn it. She’s not Leia.
Leia was not having a much better time in her attempts to sleep. Her head was throbbing given that she had surpassed her typical levels of alcohol consumption. But she suspected that she wouldn’t have had an easier time sleeping even without having too much to drink.
Her mind wandered back and forth between what had happened last night and her continued failed attempts at trying to remember what had happened on the night that had gotten them into this mess. While spending time on this planet without the constant threat of death had been a somewhat nice change of pace, she also felt guilty for feeling like she’d abandoned the Rebellion. That, and all of that dealing with the Empire stuff provided a welcome distraction from thinking about a certain smuggler. And had afforded her the opportunity to spend a little bit more time away from him.
As it was, they were spending every waking moment together. Not so long ago the thought of spending every waking moment with Han Solo would’ve seemed like some sort of nightmare. He riled her up just for fun and often drove her out of her mind, but at the same time, she always felt safer when she was with him. Sure, he tended to do some things that defied common sense, but she could also tell that he would do what he needed to in order to protect her. It was both comforting and disconcerting.
Somewhere along the line her thoughts wandered back to the night they had been drugged. She remembered getting dressed to go out with Han, and the appreciative glare that sparkled in his eyes when he saw her dressed in something that for once wasn’t fit for battle. And he didn’t look so bad either. But then, did he ever? She remembered him offering his arm, and she only slightly hesitated before taking it. It felt good to walk around with that handsome man with her.
There was food, there was drinking. What was in those drinks? Things got hazy after that. There were so many pieces missing. She could see him smiling at her; she could almost feel what she had felt then and how much she wanted him. She could almost hear herself telling him that she loved him. Did he say it, too? For a brief moment she thought she could recall kissing him – and not like they had done to close out their little exercise, but a real kiss – but then it was gone.
Wait, when did they get to the hotel room? This she hadn’t remembered before. She was practically throwing herself at him. He was saying some things but she couldn’t make out what. There might have been more kissing but it was all flashing by too quickly and before she knew it she had thrown off her dress and was standing in front of him almost naked. Was that what had happened? Had she really done that? And had he really…. Wait, what did he do?
She could see the conflict on his face just before he finally grabbed a blanket and wrapped her up in it. She felt an odd mix of disappointment she had felt that night and complete relief at recalling these things now that things had not gone further. She could feel him tucking her into bed and then the memory was gone.
Her eyes snapped open. Had she been dreaming or were those real memories? She didn’t know if she’d ever be able to figure it out without Han filling in the gaps for her. Had she really thrown herself at him like that? And had he really consciously not taken advantage of her?
She didn’t understand how dealing with Han had become more complicated than defeating the Empire, but it had. And they were both going to have to figure this out because there was no way they’d make it through the coming weeks of so-called counseling if they didn’t really talk and say what was going on.
Please don’t let me love him. I won’t be able to handle it when he leaves.