Monday, April 23, 2012

The Dangers of Re-Reading Your Own Published Fanfic

There will be another book review.  I promise.  As soon as someone writes one.  For now, let's go with this that has been running through my head.  For those of us who write, we can often have a love/hate relationship going on with our stories.  The ratio of love to hate differs from story to story or even from day to day as to how you view them, but I think it's rare that we are just going to look at our stuff and think, "This is so amazing and it's the greatest thing ever and I love it and so will everyone else!"  I think it's just in our nature to be incredibly self critical. 

It's been quite a while since I've actually written anything, so I'll try and remember how the process goes.  Usually I'll just start writing and get it all down and leave it alone.  Sometimes I'll re-read it pretty quick and edit and sometimes I can't bring myself to look at it again for a while.  Seriously, especially if I'm writing a sexy time scene I quite often won't be able to bring myself to read it for days or even weeks for fear that I'll just immediately chicken out and delete the whole thing. 

Sometimes, I might go back and re-read something I wrote and actually think, "Wow, that's pretty good."  It's rare, but it does happen.  Let's talk about one story in particular, which would be "Culmination."  If you haven't read it, it follows through some missing moments in ROTJ through to the infamous first time.  Or at least my version of it.  The idea of writing their first time intimidated me so much that I spent years thinking I'd never write it, not even with the intention of never showing it to anyone.  And then one day, for some reason, I decided to just give it a shot.  I remember writing it and then walking away from it for a few days, and then I finally went back to polish it up to send it to my trusty editor (Push) and I actually thought to myself that I was surprised that I wasn't cringing as I read it.  I took that as a good sign.

Then, just yesterday I decided to revisit that story for no reason other than total boredom and the thought that maybe if I read something I had written and liked it I might remember why I wrote and it might give me some inspiration.  Except instead, when I read it, I hated it.  Not just the sex scene, but most of the rest leading up to it.  It hasn't been that long since I wrote it, my standards can't have changed that much.  But for whatever reason, at the moment I'm seeing it all in a much more negative light. 

I wrote a post once about how every story you write doesn't have to be amazing, and I still believe that to be true.  There are certainly some stories I'm far more proud of than others.  And there are a couple I feel like I never even want to click on again for fear that I'll reflexively unpublish as fast as I can.  I haven't done that yet but I've certainly thought about it.  What is it that makes us like our stories one day and think they're corny crap the next?  I have no idea.  I'm just telling you this in the hopes that some of you can relate and maybe you won't be quite so upset when you realize that other people think the same thing.  If I'm wrong though then I probably have a lot of stories to delete. 

It's funny though because I don't feel this way when reading other people's stories.  I don't read one and think it's great and then a couple of weeks later read it again and think it sucks.  My opinions there remain constant.  So just be careful about getting overly critical of your writing or making rash decisions based on one bad feeling.  Or just avoid the issue all together by publishing your stories and then leaving them alone!  Am I the only one who every few months goes back and reads them?  Maybe not start to finish, and certainly not everything, but I do sort of check up on myself from time to time.  "Oh, was I really any good?  No, not really.  Okay, moving on..."  That kind of thing.

I should stop now because I think I've rambled enough and I'm just going to become self critical of my writing in this post ;)

29 comments:

  1. Oh, I like that about becoming self-critical about your post. Funny.

    I don't think I've written long enough to this to apply finished work. But I know what you mean. I seem to have more of a reaction to the type/genre of story I write. And I certainly run into what you describe when I'm writing. Geez, I still have things I haven't finished cause I look at them and hate how I started them and may end up redoing them.

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  2. Yeah, I started publishing pretty much when I fit the fanfic age requirements and now, rereading some things, it's pretty rough. I'm actually redoing some things.

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  3. I am so rough on myself, being a creative writing major...well...my life is just full of editing and re-writing and I literally cringe at all of my fanfiction the day after I write it, like what THE HELL was I thinking. Mostly because I write in the middle of the night when I am half-delirious from Senior Project blues. This post was hilarious. Love todays background pic too!

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  4. This is the reason I will probably never write anything, because I am very self critical and I would nitpick it to the extreme. I can never see me being totally happy with it.

    Zyra, don't you dare delete your stories!! You are a very talented writer, and you connect with Han and Leia so well. I am going to read Culmination again, and leave a review this time, because you need to know that it really isn't a bunch of crap!!

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    1. I nit pick my stuff that's for sure. Y'all have no idea how many versions I go through. I kind of edit all the time. I seem to have the opposite issue of letting go enough to get it on paper first. Usually I'm pretty happy by the end though.

      But for some reason, I enjoy the non-mushy stories more. Not to knock what I wrote, but kind of like writing the humor and the smut stuff better. Or at least once I'm done and have read them.

      That sounds like a great idea, Claire!

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  5. I think it's why you can't wait too long between writing and publishing or you run the risk of never putting it up. Push says to me often that it is amazing we ever publish anything and she's right.

    Amara, I feel that way when I write drama. It's like, why did I try to do that? It's so corny and over dramatic and stupid! At least if I write something humorous it's SUPPOSED to be silly and stupid, so I can't be as harsh. This is also why you need another person you trust to read it. And not someone who unconditionally loves everything you do (so your mom might not be your best choice - not that I'd ever show my mom!) so that they can tell you some good things about it to reassure you.

    POTS that's great that you're redoing some things. I did that with the first couple of stories I put on ff.net, I had written them years earlier and finally went to put them up but they needed a lot of work. They still need work but I think I'm willing to let them go at this point. At some point you have to just accept it as good enough and let them go.

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    1. LOL! That's the thought of our mothers proof reading fan fic. I can picture it now, "would you mind reading through this for me. It's a missing scene of when Han and Leia had the most mindblowing sex ever on a rug infront of a fire."

      Um. No.

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    2. Wow, no. That would never happen with me about my mom reading it.

      But is it bad if I let my husband read something like that scene so that he can see i think about smut all day long? ;)

      I don't know if I think my mushy stories are corny. They just don't seem as much fun or exciting I guess. But I kind of feel the need to get them put there anyhow.

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    3. No, no, no, my mom would never read it. My parents have read non-fiction things I've written that were meant to be funny, but definitely not this and definitely never! As for husbands, I don't have one but I'd think that depending on the husband it might not be a bad idea to show him those stories. Maybe it would give him some good ideas. And he could either be really intimidated by the super sex stud you've written Han to be or he will consider it a fun challenge to outdo him ;)

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    4. I love your stories amara and I had my husband read them too. He liked them as well, especially your most current. Actually I ask him to read all the "good" stories, after being married for 20 something years, we have no secrets. Mothers are a definite NO. I told my mother I started writing fanfic, I got the deer in the headlights look, I should have known better. I don't even read my own daughter's stuff, purely for the reason of "how do you know about that" and "I don't want to know that you know, you know!" Sometimes ignorance is bliss.

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    5. Don't worry too much, Seams. The chances are that the answer to that question is that she knows because she read it in a fanfic. Having started reading it pretty young and having led a fairly sheltered and innocent upbringing, a lot of, well, "those" things I learned by reading fanfic. I have no idea if that makes you feel better or not ;)

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    6. Thanks, Seams! That is nice know. I told a friend of mine about my writing and got the same look. And I hear you on the not wanting to know. But I agree with Zyra. She could easily pick things up from fanfic. Or movies.

      We've been married almost 20 years and no secrets there either. That's just how we are.

      Lol, on the outdoing Han, Zyra. Yes, trying to give the hubby ideas. :) Life is so different in your 40s and with two kids.

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    7. Ahhh, lunch break. I get some computer time. Yah, "that" topic is everywhere, especially on the internet. We have had many opportunities to discuss a very uncomfortable but necessary topic with her, openly and honestly and yes fanfic has come up. Actually we are lucky because she has a firm foundation, strong beliefs and a pretty good head on her shoulders. And a father who reminds her of Han Solo. I do believe he has threatened her on many occasions, while grinning of course.
      i'm liking life in the 40's, there is a sense of freedom about it.

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    8. I'm definitely not so worried about what people think any more or if they'll think I'm crazy. I know I'm crazy, so whatever. :) But I still have a pre-schooler and it's hard sometimes to find time for myself when a lot of my time is not my own.

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    9. I hear you amara, finding "me" time is definitely a challenge.

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  6. What a very interesting post topic. What is it about human nature that causes us to think we "stink" or I could never do "fill in the blank" as well as that person? I don't know either, but I have been pondering that question for awhile now. I read what others write and I'm always in awe and always think "Oh, I wish I could write like that." While I'm relatively new to fiction writing, I have written poetry and other non-fiction stuff for years. I rarely go back and read any of it. I like Edna Mode's quote from The Incredibles, "I never look back darling, it distracts from the now." What I do remember from my different writing rants is what I was feeling as I wrote them. I realize the skill set, style, and techniques can be learned and developed over time, but it's the emotion that seems to draw me in. I love to read stories where you can really get inside a characters thoughts and emotions, in particular Han and Leia because I find them to be "real-life." I've never "cried in the rain" like some sappy romance story, but I sure as hell bantered back and forth with my husband. I'll have to check out "Culmination." The only thing I wish I could figure out is how to spend more time writing than doing laundry, bills, work, etc. I'll post this now, before I also want to erase the entire thing. Great topic for discussion.

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    1. Ha, I love that quote Edna. That's a great movie.

      I know what you mean about how we think about ourselves, but I don't have an answer either. Perhaps we were raised not to brag on ourselves or think too much of ourselves lest we get a big ego. We'll leave that to Han. :) Being humble is probably a good thing, but there's a point where it can be too much.

      You hit the nail on the head. It is all about drawing in someone emotionally. Skill and structure can be learned and shouldn't get in the way of the emotional experience of the story.

      I don't have much time either, but it depends on the week. I found that it's easier to find small chunks of time to write, like during lunch or just before the kids get up in the morning. I find that I'm happier too since I'm getting something done and can make some progress. If I try to find a huge chunk of time, it's not near as much fun or as easy to sit down and do it.

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  7. I should also say that I don't automatically hate it every time I go back. I will sometimes go back and think, "Wow, that's actually pretty good." These instances are almost exclusive to Han and Leia dialogue when they are bantering, but I do sometimes like what I've written.

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  8. You should , you're a very talented writer!!

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    1. meant to put this in the reply button to Zyra's comment. Sorry for the formatting error.

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  9. I hate it when this happens. Sometimes it makes me start to wonder if I'm actually an awful writer but I'm too blind to see it...you know, like those people who think they can sing but they can't. But that's probably (or hopefully) irrational because clearly everyone goes through this.

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    1. Yep, exactly. So often I'm like, just stop! You're wasting your time and these are really dumb! It's gotten bad enough that I haven't even thought aboout writing in a very long time. The last story sucked it out of me.

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    2. Sucked the desire to write out of you? That sucks. But I know what you mean. I usually need a few days to chill after I get something finished. It could also be that you just don't have anything you want to write about right now.

      But trust me, you are good enough, Zyra. And you have a good feel for their characterization.

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    3. Aw, thanks. I don't think I'm usually irked by my characterization, but sometimes just the stories themselves and the way they're written specifically. I should also say that it wasn't the silly jumping on the bed story I meant that sucked it out of me. That one is far too harmless to have done that.

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    4. I'm in full agreement Amara. Zyra, don't put yourself down, you are a great writer, and if you've written anything "dumb" then I haven't come across it yet. Your Han and Leia dialogue is some of the best out there. Seriously.

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  10. at the book signing, Troy Denning's answer to the question of what advice he'd give an aspiring writer was to "turn off the editor in your head."

    Perhaps he's on to something.

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    1. "Hmm, to Troy Denning, listen, you must!"

      Good advice.

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  11. I do agree! You have some of the very best han/leia dialogue out there, and that stuff is so hard for me to write! So I give you tons of credit!

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  12. Argh, I am so bad at re reading my own writing! Although for me, some of my stuff I can read if I'm not thinking about it like I wrote it - If I pretend I'm just reading a random fanfic, then I can quite often enjoy reading my own work. But if I really read through something I liked just after I wrote it... It's very, very painful.

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