She jumped in her seat as she heard the concerned voice of the young, blue-eyed man sitting across from her.
Bringing herself back into the moment, she found her voice again so she could answer. “Sorry, Luke, I guess I just zoned out a little, there.”
“Zoned out is right,” he said as he smiled amusedly at her. “You sure you’re all right?”
She could tell that Luke was starting to suspect that something might be going on between her and Han. If the three of them were alone together in silence she could see him looking back and forth between the pair, almost as though waiting for some sort of proof that might validate his theory. They never spoke of it, and she always preferred to think of Luke as naively oblivious to such things, but even though he tended to exude a sort of innocence due to his boyish features, he wasn’t blind and he certainly had proven to be perceptive.
She put on her best fake smile, earned through years of practice in diplomacy. “Everything’s fine, Luke. I just… I didn’t sleep very well last night.” That actually wasn’t a lie. As was the case fairly often, Leia had spent a considerable amount of time lying awake in bed, her mind racing with a thousand thoughts while she tried in vain to get warm enough under the mountain of blankets that covered her. Hoth was far too cold of a place for someone to get a good night’s sleep. Although Leia wondered if she would be sleeping any better no matter how warm and comfortable she was.
A few times Han had offered to let her stay on the Falcon while it rested idly in the hangar. He’d even been nauseatingly nice about it, telling her it was warmer in there and he knew things got cold on the base’s designated quarters. She was astonished, and maybe even slightly disappointed, when he hadn’t even suggested that they share. It would’ve been a lot easier to rebuff him if he had made some snide comment, as he often tended to do. She could’ve stormed off in frustration and anger, given another reason to keep her distance from the exacerbating smuggler.
Instead, she was forced to stop whatever nice little moment may have been happening between them, telling him that she had an early meeting and she didn’t want to risk any chance of being late and before he could even finish telling her he’d make sure that he and even Chewie would help make sure she was awake in plenty of time, she had fled from the cockpit, minutes later finding herself once again shivering in her bed.
She never knew what to do when he was nice to her. Or when he had any moments of actually seeming sincere. It made him so much more difficult to hate. And, gods, how she wanted to hate him! Hating him allowed her to keep her distance. She had felt things for him that more than scared her. He was just an act, she kept telling herself. He’s not the kind of man who wants anything more than to get you into bed once and move on. And if he kept opening his mouth, it always helped to remind her why she was trying so hard not to give him a second thought.
At least given his apparent desire at remaining unattached to anyone or anything, he would be just as appalled as she was to find out that somehow the two had become legally married. What in the universe was in those drugs they were given? How could they have done something like that and how could she not have any memory of it?
Even though it was all a terrible mistake she had this unwanted twinge of disappointment. Getting married was supposed to be one of the greatest moments of one’s life. It was supposed to be a happy and joyous occasion between two people who loved each other deeply and wanted to spend the rest of their lives together. It certainly wasn’t supposed to be a huge mistake instigated by being drugged and involving two people who spent most of their time at each other’s throats.
It felt once again like some cruel, bitter taste of something else in life she would never get to truly experience. Falling in love and living happily ever after weren’t for people like her. Leading the Rebellion left little to no time for selfish pursuits and had no sign of ending anytime soon. Her work was never done. Besides, loving anyone or anything just meant that eventually you would wind up hurt. Her heart had been far too broken to ever go through that again.
Looking down at her plate, she realized that she had spent most of the time simply moving the food around rather than actually eating. She finally nibbled on two tasteless bites, at least letting Luke see that she had eaten something. Her stomach had remained unbearably queasy not only since realizing that she and Han were married, but especially when she remembered waking up in bed next to him with almost nothing on. She wondered what it might've felt like if he'd toucher her...
The one time something like that happens, and I can’t even remember it. She shook her head. There was nothing to remember. It was never something she wanted, so what difference did it make? She wondered if there would come a time when they could look back on this and laugh. “Remember that time you and… what’s his name got married while you were drugged? That was crazy. Whatever happened to him?”
That’s what would happen, right? Sooner or later he’d be gone, never to be heard from again. Just another one of those people who comes into your life out of nowhere, drives you insane for a while, and then disappears forever. She wondered if in twenty years she’d even remember him.
“You ready to go, Leia?”
She looked up, seeing that Luke’s plate was empty and they’d been sitting quietly for a while. That was one of the things she liked about Luke, they could be in each other’s company in comfortable silence. She felt safe with him. At ease in such a way that she never felt around Han.
Han… she really needed to find out when he was coming back and get this taken care of as soon as humanly possible.
“Sure. Let’s go.”