Memories Return...

CHAPTER 5

Getting his marriage to Leia annulled was not something he had expected to add to his to-do list. Not now, not ever. Even drugged it seemed crazy that she had agreed to such a thing… or maybe she had instigated it? Han’s mind had been flashing to random images from that night, but none of them had come together to form anything close to a cohesive story. He even wondered if some of it he was remembering from dreams rather than reality.

Before he took care of that business, he had to message the supply crew to come and unload the cargo from his latest run. He hoped that Leia would understand that fixing this problem wouldn’t be instantaneous. For a moment he had a wicked thought that maybe he could stretch this out as long as possible, force her to stay married to him for at least… a few days, anyway. Who ever would’ve thought a guy like him would end up married to a princess? Even if it was all a horrible, drugged mistake. That didn’t mean he couldn’t attempt to enjoy it while it lasted.

He felt a bit insulted at how horrified Leia seemed over this ordeal. Granted this wasn’t something that either of them truly wanted, but it wasn’t as though they had to act like a married couple. It was a legal document and nothing more. Yes, quite unfortunately, nothing more…

Han thought back to waking up that morning, having slept next to an almost-naked Leia. He’d been just as startled as she was, followed by mild disappointment once they’d both jumped out of bed and she managed to cover herself before he saw anything he was positive he would’ve enjoyed seeing.

Looking down at himself, he’d realized that he was still in his underwear. Now, it had been a while, but he had never been in the habit of putting any clothes back on after enjoying some naked time with a woman. Leia, fortunately for her but a little less fortunately for him, also still had her lower half just covered enough to leave her halfway decent.

Han sat back in his pilot’s chair, lost in thought. Closing his eyes, he tried to remember anything from the night they had been drugged. He had no recollection of a wedding ceremony, that was for sure. He also couldn’t recall either of them talking about getting married, or even acting like they liked each other. Did he?

His eyes still shut, he could picture the curtains behind Leia as she held the sheet pressed tightly against her in the hotel room. They were a gaudy floral pattern of too-bright and mismatched colors. Turquoise, orange, yellow, pink and some sort of hideous shade of green.

Suddenly he saw the curtains again, only this time Leia was standing in front of him, pulling them closed and then turning and looking at him seductively. Leia had never looked at him like that. He was pretty sure she’d never had cause to look at anyone like that. Painfully slowly, she sauntered toward him and he backed away until he felt the back of his legs making contact with the bed. She closed the distance until finally she slipped her arms around him, squeezing his lower back and pressing her entire body against his.

She felt warm and soft and wonderful, and the entire thing was like a dream come true. The only problem was, as much as he wanted her, he knew she wasn’t herself. Even in his drugged state he understood that this was not how an unaltered Leia would act. But then she rested her chin against his chest, which was as high as she could reach, and he could tell she wanted to kiss him, but she couldn’t get close enough.

His conscience was at war with his hormones and as he looked down at those deep, brown eyes and those full lips nearly begging to be kissed, he decided there couldn’t be any harm in a little kiss, right? Lowering his head slowly, almost in fear that she would suddenly come to her senses and back away in repulsion, he finally pressed his lips to hers. He was tentative at first, but it didn’t take long until it was as though his lips sunk into hers as the kiss deepened, releasing tension he’d been feeling for what felt like years. Her lips parted gently and he felt her tongue silently but forcefully asking for permission as he opened his mouth to accept it.

His pulse was racing as his mind had been wiped of any thoughts aside from his intense desire for the princess who was suddenly kissing him quite passionately. Her delicate little fingers – well, usually delicate even though she had sure proven they could handle a blaster – reached up and began undoing the fasteners of his shirt. Time felt as though it were standing still and he still couldn’t believe what was actually happening. And he certainly didn’t want it to stop.

His skin tingled when she pushed his shirt open, brushing her palms against his chest as she lowered the garment off his shoulders. Pulling her close once again he marveled at the feeling of her warm body against his, the wonderful sensation of her hands moving up and down his back, showing him that she wanted this just as much as he did.

His eyes had snapped open at that moment. Not breaking the kiss, he wondered if she really did want this at all. This isn’t really her. I can barely remember the past few hours. We were drugged. Han had had the misfortune of being drugged on a few occasions, and he felt the familiar signs of realization rushing into his mind as the daze wore off. Leia, for her part, had not stopped kissing Han deeply, and he continued to let her. But he knew she was being influenced by something. Whatever it was would wear off eventually, and if he continued to let this happen she would probably never speak to him again. And that was only if he was lucky. It was more likely she’d actually kill him.

He knew she didn’t weigh much more than half of what he did, and whatever they had been given was not likely to wear off on her soon. It hadn’t even worn off him yet, just enough for him to start to know what was real and what wasn’t. He still had no idea how they had wound up here like this.

His mind was telling him that he needed to stop this before it went too far. His body was already rapidly approaching the point of no return. Gods, I want her. But not like this…

Abruptly, he pulled his face away from hers, out of her reach. The disappointment was evident as she glared at him. Gods, she’s a good kisser for someone who has been accused of being the Ice Princess.

“What are you doing?” she asked, sounding more playful than angry.

He wasn’t sure he could form words at the moment; his pulse was racing and he struggled to catch his breath. “I think maybe it’s time for you to go to bed.”

Her arms, still wrapped around his mid section, squeezed him more tightly. “That’s exactly what I had in mind.”

It’d be so easy. Just take her right now. She wants you!

Using every ounce of willpower he possessed, he reached behind his back and slid her arms away from him, stepping back and leaving space between them. He already missed having her body up against his. The playful disappointment that had previously been on her face had given way to anger.

“Don’t you want me?”

Why did she have to ask him that? How could he not tell her that he wanted her with every fiber of his being? He’d wanted this for almost as long as he’d known her, and yet he was pushing her away. This being noble crap is going to ruin my life.

“Sweetheart,” he began, instantly regretting using the term of endearment, even if normally she took it as a condescending insult, “I don’t think you really want to do this.”

A smile crossed her lips once again and she nodded, looking sultry and seductive enough to make him want to act on instinct rather than letting his brain handle this decision. He tried to remember if he had ever turned a woman down for sex. Well, truthfully there had been a few others, but they had been beyond drunk and he suspected he’d wind up cleaning up some vomit at some point during the evening which would surely taint the experience. Those women weren’t themselves either, but none of them were women that he actually had any feelings for.

In fact, he’d never had feelings like this for anyone before. You are an idiot, Solo. You might well regret this night for the rest of your life.

She surprised him by stepping back, giving him cause to release the grip on her previously-wandering hands. He was momentarily relieved, thinking he had finally convinced her, or maybe the drugs had finally started to wear off on her, too. But she had a twinkle in her eye and a mischievous smile on her face that suddenly made him very nervous.

“I think I know what I want. And I think you know what you want, too.” Just as she finished the last word, she crossed her arms in front of her torso, reaching down to the hem of the loose, airy dress she was wearing and pulling it over her head before he could even move.

All of the air had left his lungs and his heart sunk down to his stomach. His eyes traveled downward to see what she had revealed to him, finding smooth, obviously soft, creamy white skin. He couldn’t breathe or blink when his eyes fell on her chest that had seemingly spent the evening unsupported. Her lower half was covered by the standard-issue Rebellion nondescript white cotton briefs, but now that they were the only things keeping him from seeing her in all her glory, they only seemed to enhance one of the most arousing sights he had ever laid eyes on.

Speaking of arousing, he was going to find himself in a galaxy of trouble if he didn’t stop this right now. No matter how much he respected her and didn’t want to take advantage of her, he was still a man whose hormones were going to take complete control of him any second now.

She stood proudly in front of him with a nervous smile on her lips that told him that even though she'd made herself believe she wanted this, she had never let anyone gaze at her so intimately. There was no way he could do this to her, knowing it was something she had never experienced. Nobody should take advantage of someone like that. He took a half a second longer to commit the image to memory before he reached behind him and grabbed the coverlet from the bed, bringing it to wrap around her, pulling her up against his side.

He could see the disappointment on her face and he knew how awful it could feel to be turned down when initiating something like that. She had literally thrown herself at him and he rebuffed her advances. He hoped she wouldn’t remember that he had rejected her, as that sort of damage could be irreparable. Rather than apologize, he just tried to convince her that she needed sleep.

With so much less of her to draw his attention, he was able to find his voice again. “Come on, you’ve had a long day and I know you’re tired.” He spun them around so they faced the bed and then saw her face wrinkle in confusion.

“I’m not that tired,” she said as he spun her and sat her down on the mattress, careful to make sure that the blanket remained securely blocking any part of her that might distract him from his attempts at doing the right thing. The right thing sucks. I want to go back to not having much of a conscience.

She still looked confused, but she didn’t fight him when he lifted her legs to bring her horizontal on the bed, her head resting comfortably on the pillow. He felt a headache of his own coming on; he suspected partly the result of whatever drugs he’d been given, and partly because he was forcing himself to tamp down some incredibly intense desires. There was an even stronger ache coming from another part of his body that he did everything he could to ignore.

He grabbed another blanket to cover her, pulling it all the way up to her chin and blocking as much of her as he could without suffocating her. I’m not sure I can even look at her right now without wanting to change my mind about this.

He squatted next to the bed and smoothed the long, silky hair away from her forehead, attempting to soothe her and lull her to sleep. “Shhhh, rest, now. We had a long day. You just need your sleep.”

Her eyes shut and she pulled the blankets even tighter around her, and he exhaled in relief as he had finally convinced her that she didn’t want to do what she had almost done. “Shhh…” he said again, continuing to stroke her hair as her breathing deepened, and he got caught up in how peaceful and adorable she looked when she was sleeping.

When her lips parted gently and her breathing was deep and even, he knew she was asleep and he only then realized that his fingers were still brushing gently against the silkiness of her hair. Pulling his hand away, he simply sank down to sit on the floor to pull himself together, resting his head in his hands and wondering what the hell had just happened and why he was such an idiot.

Exhaustion started to overwhelm him, and he had only enough strength to use the ‘fresher before he stumbled back toward the only bed in the hotel room. Previously he had promised to sleep on the floor, but since she had seemed to so enjoy the idea of sleeping with him only a little while earlier, he figured she would get a lot less mad if he finally took her up on her offer now – even if in this case it was literally just to sleep with her.

Using the same logic, he thought she might not be so mad if he at least took off his pants as the coarse fabric did not lend itself well to sleep attire. Stepping out of his trousers, he was left in his own simple pair of white boxer briefs as he slipped under the sheet that still covered his side of the bed while Leia remained cocooned within the rest of the blankets like some sort of protective barrier.

He felt his body relax into the mattress, his muscles calming from being immensely tense earlier. In the darkness he glanced at Leia’s sleeping form next to him, only able to see the back of her head and the gentle rising and falling of the blankets on top of her with each breath she took. He wanted to pull her closer, hold her while she slept. It was the least she could let him do after he had saved her earlier from what she might have thought of as the biggest mistake of her life.
Instead, he rolled onto his back and stared at the ceiling before his eyes began to close. She was going to kill him in the morning. None of this was really even his fault and yet she was still going to kill him just for being… him. He couldn’t win.

Sleep had finally overwhelmed him, and when he had awoken in shock the next morning, all memory of the events of the previous evening had evaporated. All he knew was that he had found himself in bed with Leia, and he felt like it was some sort of sick joke that he couldn’t remember any of it.

But he remembered now. Han swiped his hand from his forehead down to his chin, feeling beads of sweat lingering on his skin. It wasn’t often that you were given cause to sweat on Hoth. He felt almost as frustrated as he had that night, wanting something so desperately that he just couldn’t bring himself to take, knowing that it just wouldn’t be right.

He wondered again when he had become such a good guy. He hated being a good guy. And he wondered if Leia would ever remember some of those details from that night. He wondered if she knew that he had stopped her from doing something she’d regret. He suspected she had decided without cause that the entire thing had been his fault.
Shaking his head, he realized that it didn’t matter. All that mattered was that they got this whole marriage debacle behind them as quickly as possible.